L-A: I’ve got a couple of style icons coming up for you, like the one I hinted about on the Facebook. But a press release in my inbox put that one on hold, because that press release spoke my native language: Franglais! Because ooh la la, beaucoup de nautical coming up!

How to dress like you hang out with Steve Zissou

(or on the set of some other Wes Anderson film yet to be made)

No, I’m not going to suggest how to wear a pale blue jumpsuit and a red toque. That would be almost ridiculous (but not entirely. Especially as I love the old school Adidas kicks sported by Zissou).

Instead, I’m going to give almost entirely practical advice on how to dress like this. And that’s to buy every item you see in the following video.

Le vöyãge seafãr-iüs? Parce que mais oui!

Think about it. Double stripes? Duffle coats with stripes? You know my mind is blowing right now, don’t you?

But how do you do it with such mad steez that everyone will believe you belong in a Wes Anderson film? Let me give you some pointers:

1. Dress your pet in sweaters to match your style. Pet should preferably be oddly shaped.

Pet should also have a total human name and when possible, only move about because you are carrying them from one room to another. If they can wear bow ties and hats, all the better. Pet wardrobe should be on par with your own. Nothing less will do for your own Maurice or Harmon.

2. Only introduce yourself by looking straight at the camera and with titles.

Why say your name when you have your own typeface flashing on screen. Truth be told, I prefer Anderson’s use of Futura, but I do enjoy that red and white sweater.

3. Plucky children who speak as though they already have their PhD. 

When possible, there should always be one precocious young child around you. They should be well dressed and tidy in a way that real children never are. And they speak as though they are Rhodes Scholars. These fictional children are the best kind.

Just remember: they may seem like adults, but they are not drinking age, so don’t offer them a scotch.

4. You should be quirky and have a quirky hobby.

You only ride on a bike with coaster brakes. And that is the least of your quirky hobbies.

You will probably be insufferable, but there will be a band of equally quirky and stylish people who will support your hobbies which may include, but are not limited to, riding a unicycle, raising carrier pigeons for fun and profit, collecting of rare orchids, and reading only the plays of obscure French writers.

5. Hats.

You should know by now that you need to wear a really cool hat at all times, regardless of the weather or if you are indoors or out.

 Hats best served with a great pair of shoes. Be it the old school Team Zissou kicks I mentioned earlier or a great pair of loafers.

6. Learn to do a slow walk.

As far as I know, there is only one way to learn this properly and it is the Bill Murray School of Slow Walks.

Give me a shout if you know another. But you will never be truly cool enough for a Wes Anderson film or a Tommy Hilfiger lookbook if you don’t have a slow walk.

7. Get thee a bitchin’ playlist.

Obvs.

8. Be really, seriously, fundamentally flawed. 

Emotionally stunted genius? Narcissist? Deep-seated feelings of parental neglect? Embrace it and let your freak flag fly!

So now you’ve got it. Go forth and be as stylish and as quirky and as fundamentally flawed as a Wes Anderson film. There is a good chance you will be insufferable, but by golly, you’ll look good.

p.s. as an aside, I recently bought a nautical striped Hilfiger dress during my American Christmas and it is possibly the best thing ever. Only regret is I didn’t buy even more of them. In fact, I’m wearing it today with fleece-lined tights, which are also in the running for the best thing ever and are also full of regret as I only purchased one pair.