L-A: I’ll start with apologies to Kerry Washington. She never stood a chance. Every time I see an ad for Scandal, I want to throw something at the TV. I’ve never actually gotten around to watching an episode, but I can’t deal with their talk about “crisis management” (is it because I’ve studied PR?) or how many people seem to get murdered/threaten the president so often or the way “Everything Is Such A Big Deal When She Talks. You Can Just Hear All the Words Being Capitalized And Italicized.”

I could blame Shonda Rhimes (I broke up with Gray’s years ago) and her writers, but I end up blaming Kerry Washington. Which is why she’s the first target for my new sporadic feature: Your Stylist Is Drunk.  (Italics for the benefit of Shonda Rhimes/Kerry Washington).

How do you think this dress came to be?

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 The Daily Mail article about it was nice by calling it a “bizarre peplum”, but went on to say she could pull it off because of her trim figure. While I agree that Kerry Washington’s trim figure does go a long way, it’s not helping her on this outfit. But that’s the outfit’s fault. So I have two things I’m wondering about:

1. Was Peter Pilotto drunk when he designed this?

I get it. He likes crazy patterns and mixing them together. I totally get it. I don’t even hate everything he does. But this feels like what happens on Project Runway or when you take the leftovers and throw them together.

Verdict: Unlikely. He’s probably testing some kind of boundaries of fabric and pattern and our conception of them. 

2. Was Kerry Washington’s stylist drunk? 

How did this go down? Was she blindsided by it upon landing in Rome? Or was there some kind of back and forth where they came to a mutual decision. I wonder if it went something like this:

Stylist to the Stars: Kerry, Darling! You need something fantastic for Rome! (drinks)

Kerry Washington: Yes. I Want to Look Fabulous And Sexy.

Stylist: Sweetheart, I’ve got just the thing. The designer is fresh and new and no one else on the red carpet will be wearing it!

Kerry: I Definitely Don’t Want To Wear The Same Thing As Jamie Foxx.

Stylist : We could blame it on the Henny if you did. (drinks Henny)

Kerry: Show Me The Dress Already.

Stylist: What do you think kiddo? Isn’t it faaaabulous?

Kerry: Do You Think It’s A Bit Too Much Muchness?

Stylist: Do you trust me darling? You will stand out and make a statement in this. (drinks).

Kerry: I Trust You. You Would Never Lead Me Astray. Bring It On.

Verdict: Totes drunk. You’d never let your best frenemy out in this, let alone your client. 

Kerry, if you’re reading this (because I know you do), give us a call and we’ll talk about that desire to go crazy and play dress up on a red carpet. I know you’re doing jumpy claps about getting to wear whatever you want because you have access to whatever you want. But countless stars before you have made this mistake (and countless more will do the same).

Actually, I have to assume this is pre-stylist. Or sharing a stylist with Courtney Love.

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Pre-GOOP, Gwynnie made some seriously questionable choices. People still frown upon the cotton candy pink dress after Shakespeare in Love.

Learn from their mistakes. Have fun, but don’t listen to the drunk stylist.