This week, Ali talked a lot about how she needed the guys to open up to her, but she seemed to completely shut down. And freak out. And say things like “I have a lot on my mind”. (No spoilers pleeeeaase) I wouldn’t be surprised if Ali chose no one at the end of this thing. In fact, it’s looking like a huge mistake that she ever did it. Like maybe she liked her job and her life, and didn’t want to give all that up to go get married at the ripe old age of 25. But, there were still three great guys (and two annoying and weird ones) vying for her attention while on a dream vacation. Oh, the stresses of being a bachelorette.
Frank, naturally, had to whine about the fact that he wasn’t going on the date and analyze the note Roberto received to a point where, once again, I wanted to rip those glasses off his face and shove them down his throat. When will he learn that he is on a reality TV dating show and therefore DOES NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. The only guy on the show with a girlfriend was Justin, and that got him sent home. The rest of them? They can safely keep their Facebook statuses set to “Single”, or at the very least “It’s Complicated”. But as I’m sure former Facebook employee Ali can tell them, you can’t all be “It’s Complicated” with the same girl on Facebook.
As Ali and Roberto sat in the castle overlooking an amazing view, Ali told Roberto that he’s still a bit of a mystery to her and she needs to figure him out. I think that’s code for “I still think it’s a mystery why you’re on this show, because you’re way too cute and charming to need a reality TV dating show to find a girlfriend”. This would have been an opportune moment for Roberto to tell her some devastating, all-revealing story (like that he used to be ugly?), but instead he told her that he just likes to keep life simple and fun. Once again, too good to be true.
Thank GOD they had Ali, Frank and Ty take off for their date in a helicopter. It was about time. They never use those on this show, and I was beginning to wonder when poor Ali would have the opportunity to have a ride in one. Also, the dry spell of helicopters would be really annoying if you are playing a drinking game where you drink every time they have a helicopter.
Ali was feeling awkward and stressed out before the awkward, stressful dinner even began and it was obvious as soon as the threesome sat down for dinner. After a few glasses of wine and what looked like zero food were consumed Ali pulled Ty away for some alone time. She was still hesitant about what a future with Ty would be like after hearing about his traditional values and how that career-driven wife of his with those newfangled values killed his marriage. OK, he never said that but you know that’s what you were thinking. Ty went on about how he thought her ambitions and goals were great, and that it “tickles me to death that you have a plan, that you know what you want” but I didn’t buy it. Never take a man who says “tickles me to death” seriously.
Next, Frank got some alone time, and he took the opportunity to reveal to Ali that he still lives with his parents. You know, because he “moved” to Paris (took a 6-week vacation) and is chasing his dreams (watching a lot of movies, smoking pot and talking about how he could write something better). Watching Frank try to make living with his parents sound as cool as possible was hilarious. He talked about how “close” his family is – like, physically, on the same couch. To his surprise, though, Ali was totally cool with it. Perhaps because she is also homeless. He didn’t drop the “Oh, and in my spare time I work as a retail manager” bomb on her yet, though. Perhaps that’s what has her in tears in a couple weeks? Doubt it.
On this date, I thought Kirk was super nice and Ali was kind of a tool. She was super distracted, and he kept trying to get her to open up by saying that he was nervous too. Instead of talking to him, she would say “I just have a lot on my mind”. Come on, Ali – you can’t judge these guys based on how much they “open up” to you if you can’t even manage a couple sentences on why you’re so distant and stressed out. The best she could manage was that she had thought she was really in-tune with her emotions, and is now wondering if maybe she is not. Translation: She hates fake-dating on TV and doesn’t want to marry any of these guys. And she misses Facebook.
At dinner, Ali wondered if maybe one day she wouldn’t be good enough for Kirk. Kirk talked about beating mold some more, and overall they had a pretty boring date. He did convince her (and me, a little) that he’s falling in love with the real her, and not just the idea of her. That’s more than I can say for Frank.
The first thing that Ali and Chris did was ride a scooter around Lisbon. It looked like fun, but is probably scary if you’ve never done it before. Chris drove slowly and carefully, like a normal person. After all, he said “I can’t be the dude who killed the Bachelorette. That’s just not gonna look good at all.” Ali drove like a maniac with a death wish, speeding through curves and crossing over the median. “Look at the ocean” she said to Chris. “Look at the ROAD!” I yelled to the TV.
Things got real when the pair visited a winery, though, and Chris gave Ali a bracelet he’d brought from home. This was well-played. Instead of gifting Ali with the bracelet on the first night, along with every other schmuck who tries and fails to set himself apart, he waited until he was sure that he actually liked her. This is why I like Chris. Too many guys come on to The Bachelorette (and girls on The Bachelor) as though they’re already in love with the person they’re there for. Obviously it’s the spirit of competition, but it’s stupid. The bachelor or bachelorette has to woo them too. So the fact that Chris held on to the bracelet until he thought he really liked Ali, I think, says a lot about him. Though, as my friend Nicholas pointed out, Chris should have practiced opening the bracelet before giving to to Ali to avoid looking like such a goof. Nicholas also thinks Chris looks like a bear mauling a human when he kisses Ali, but whatevs. I still love him.
Chris closed out the date, which looked like a smashing success, with one of my most favorite lines ever: “‘You make me feel all warm inside. What does that mean?” Ha! That one line is way cuter than all the gushing all the other guys do.
Next week, Ali will be visiting the guys’ families. We know Frank will make it through, because he still has a bomb to drop on her in a tropical location. My guess is that Kirk will go – there’s no way she’ll dump Chris after meeting the famed father and brothers, or dump Roberto after seeing him in his baseball uniform.
