L-A: Last night was probably the least fun Oscars ever. It felt like there were hardly any dresses on the carpet, but this could be because most of them just weren’t exciting. And when the ceremony started, things were just weird. Some of it unfunny. Some of it unexplained (I was never entirely sure by why there were dance numbers). Some of it misogynistic. Almost all of it awkward.

I’ve decided to give out my own Oscars this year, so here they are.

Oscar for the sparkliest dress

Like that sound category, it’s a tie!

Breakdown of this category for me: Naomi Watts wins for Best Australian in a Sparkly Dress. She looked like a sexy cyborg, while Nicole Kidman just looks uncomfortable. I bet that was a heavy one to wear. Kiebler wins for Best Professional Date, and even gets an overall win for the evening. I’ve never understood where she came from, but she looked real good last night. And Best Almost But Not Quite is Jessica Chastain. Love the hair. Love the makeup. Love the shape of the dress. Don’t really love the colour.

Best Supporting Wife: Jennifer Garner

source (I think. But everyone had this shot).

Jennifer Garner, I love you and I miss seeing you do work I care about. The Odd Life of Timothy Green? Really? Do you remember when you literally kicked ass in Alias? You’ve done some great work on Ben Affleck, but now it’s time to get back to being awesome.

As for your dress, I’m of mixed feelings. From the front, I love it. The colour is amazing and you look great. The necklace is killing me. The ruffles I’m okay with when I see it from the front. But in the back, I was a little meh. However, because I like you so much and because this year was generally so lacklustre, you get a pass.

Best Actress Still in Costume: Sally Field

Oh Sally Field. Really?

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It’s like you just dumped the hoop and wore a dress from Lincoln. We loved that you came with JGL, but we got serious sads from this dress.

Best Haircut On the Red Carpet: Charlize Theron

Overall, Charlize killed it.

That is one badass haircut and the dress fits like an amazing second skin. Well played, Charlize.

Best Friend on the Carpet: Sandra Bullock

I didn’t love the hair bauble, but I always love her.

I just love this Elie Saab number. It’s super pretty, without being over the top. Perfect for an Oscar winner giving out an award. And, as always, she was charming. Even with the lame writing we had happening last night. (Seriously. Even Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy weren’t funny).

Best Human in Hollywood: Jennifer Lawrence

Right now, I just want to be her best friend.

She’s kind of the best, what with having no filter, trying to punk the mani-cam, and talking about how she just wants to eat. But aside from seeming awesome, I really did like this dress. The bottom looks like she needs two seats, but the top is lovely and I think it’s actually pink. And you know what? If you’ve got a real shot at Best Actress, go big or go home.

Best Reason for Choosing a Dress: The only kid nominated

“It’s puffy and it’s sparkly”.

I think we can all agree that as 9 year olds, this would have been what we’d go for. And on the live blog, Intern Krista put it best when she said Anne Shirley would approve.

Ally: What an excellent concept, L-A! I’m rolling with it!

The Best Oscar-Worthy Tutu Dress

This was by far my favourite dress of the night.

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The hair was very unfortunate, as L-A commented you should never pair soft hair with a soft dress, and we’re considered experts on this by absolutely no one.

The Amber Rose School of Maternity Wear Scholarship Award: Jenna Dewan-Tatum

There are very few flattering formal dresses available when your stomach is protruding due to a case of “I gots a babys”. Pregnant women are gorgeous (no, I’m not counting myself in that category), but it might not be the best time to opt for the backless gown. Jenna here needs to spend a bit of time with Amber Rose, who obviously knew what she was doing at the Grammy’s a few weeks back.

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It’s not the worst by any means, but the fabric looks really uncomfortable around her midsection, and comfort is key during this stage of pregnancy. Trust. You and your husband are completely over-the-top adorable though, so that counts for something.

Best belt that Typically I would hate: Zoe Saldana

This woman is ridiculously gorgeous. Typically I’m not into belting anything other than jeans (and even that is questionable), but this was a hit for me. I didn’t notice the bottom of her dress until now. I approve.

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Best “I can wear this and you probably can’t” award: Jacki Weaver

I don’t know why this worked for me, but it did. It was quirky and totally different than anything else we saw last night without being offensive.

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What do you guys think? Agree? Disagree? What dress was tops for you?