Bachelor Pad: Sink or Swim

Hi again, folks! Believe it or not, I’m back with another Bachelor Pad recap. Yeah, it feels like this show should be over by now to me too, but it’s only something like week four.

So where were we? Melissa was proving was a “fun and awesome” girl she is by tearing a strip off Blake for flirting with another girl, and then whining to Holly about how she was flirting with her man. Oh, Melissa. I can’t understand why you’d ever think that going on Bachelor Pad would make you look less crazy than before. But I guess you can’t reason with the insane.

Dance Dance Revolution

Let’s move on to the competition, shall we? Jake certainly wants too, since he’s still Public Enemy #1 in Casa Chlamydia and thinks his only shot at safety is winning a rose. Luckily, he’s been blessed with a few things in life – “Mental durability, uh, physical strength, and problem solving.” Glad you’ve got almost all your bases covered, Jake. If only you’d been blessed with a sense of dignity as well, you wouldn’t even have to be appearing on this show right now!

The men and women were broken up into two teams for the competition, which required them to complete a synchronized swimming routine. Oh god, do I ever hope Survivor jacks this for one of their reward challenges next season. ABC would totes lend those outfits to CBS, right? I mean, after they’d been boiled in pure bleach, obviously.

Surprisingly, the men turned out to be pretty decent synchronized swimmers – especially Jake, who had the benefit of “technique from Dancing With The Stars” and is a classic over-achiever, and Stag, who has actual dance experience. The women, however, were a sad lot. Despite having a few cheerleaders on the team, the girls weren’t as coordinated as one might hope. Plus they had Erica, who basically just bobbed up and down in the water the whole time, looking as though maybe she’d dropped her bottle of Vicodin in the pool by mistake.

The judges were a real life synchronized swimmer, as well as Bachelor Pad 1 winners Natalie and Dave. They chose Stag as the winner for the dudes and Michelle as the winner for the ladies. I knew Michelle would win – the key to this competition was obviously to smile brightly through the whole thing, and smile she did. Plus, she was the only one who managed to look hot in the floral bathing cap.

Trouble in Paradise Hell

Since he didn’t win the rose, Jake had to stoop to new lows to try and ensure his safety in the game. And by stooping to a new low, I mean he made out with Erica. I don’t know what I should be more disgusted by – the fact that I had to watch them kiss, or the fact that he was pulling a Blake and using someone he doesn’t find attractive just to try and stay in the game. Stay klassy, Bachelor Pad!

image Actually, all the ladies seemed to be getting over their hate on for Jake – even Vienna, who was apparently acting too cordial towards him after offering up a mere “Good job” after the challenge. Yes, this was Kasey’s actual complaint to Vienna – that “You’re always so cordial and nice to him.” Oh come on. If there’s anything Vienna’s not, it’s cordial and nice. And um, Kasey? Have you seen the footage of you talking to him? You sing a completely different tune to his face than you do to the camera. So shut it. This sparked a huge fight between Kasey and Vienna, which was rather uncomfortable for everyone else to watch. “Do you want to have another public breakup on TV? Jesus Christ, stop!” Kasey yelled at her – and wait, it got better! “Are you trying to get America’s sympathy vote because you looked like the bitch last time?” he asked. Wow, he really is a “Jenius”!

Wine and Warnings

Next, it was time for Michelle’s date, and she brought along Graham, Kasey and Blake. Is it just me, or does Kasey get to go on a surprising number of dates? I don’t get it! He’s not good-looking. He speaks as though he’s trying to hold a toothpick between his teeth at all times. And he’s got a stupid tattoo. I’d choose Chris Harrison for my date before I chose Kasey, and you know how much I don’t love him.

During her alone time with Blake, Michelle told him that he needed to make amends with her good friend Melissa if he wanted to stay in the house. Crazy girls need to stick together, you know! Later, Michelle coyly confessed to Graham that she has a crush on him. He seemed hesitant because – oh my god, I can’t believe someone actually cares about this on Bachelor Pad – they barely know each other. Oh, but then they make out anyway. OK. At least Michelle seems to have dropped the whole pseudo-dominatrix act she used during Brad’s season. Ugh, that was SO 2010. Anyway, she gave Graham the rose.

If Vienna’s the thorn, who’s the rose?

For his date, Stag chose Vienna, Ella and Holly. Wow, what a trio! Vienna whined and complained the entire time. Holly didn’t want to be there at all. And Ella just sat there and tried to look like she was having a nice time.

I know I shouldn’t have any feelings other than disgust about Bachelor Pad, but I kind of feel sorry for this Stag guy. Holly says she doesn’t want to get back together and she’s flirting with Blake, but then she says things to Stag like “Do you miss me?” and “I keep wanting to, like, touch you.”

Of course, Stag chose to give the rose to Holly and they got to meet Bret Michaels on his tour bus. You know, just in case there were any STDs they hadn’t yet picked up in Casa Chalmydia. Who knows, maybe the Rock of Love bus has developed its own new kind of infection! Bret sang “Every Rose Has a Thorn”, a song I’ll shamefully admit to kind of enjoying (OK, I have that and the Miley Cyrus cover on my iPod – I never claimed to be cool, you guys) and Stag and Holly looked meaningfully at each other. Later, Holly squealed about how Bret Michaels had told her she’s beautiful. Apparently homegirl didn’t catch him on The Celebrity Apprentice, because he’ll tell that to anyone.

Put a Ring On It

Back at the house, Erica was falling more and more for Jake, who was willing to do “whatever it takes” to escape elimination that night. And that meant kissing Erica. But don’t worry, it wasn’t that bad, right? After all, Erica told us “I definitely have good lips…that I maintain with injections every six months. So I’m a good kisser.” Oh man, is that all it takes? Teenage girls everywhere can stop practicing on their pillows and just head to the nearest cosmetic surgeon then!

Guess what, guys? It was Kasey and Vienna’s six month anniversary! You know what the only thing more childish than celebrating a six month anniversary is? Marking it with the gift of a promise ring! Seriously, Kasey – was your varsity jacket at the dry cleaner’s or something? Just spring for a necklace next time, and then the box won’t freak her out. Yep – when Kasey pulled out that ring box and mumbled something about proving his love, Vienna’s buggy eyes grew even buggier and she whined “I don’t want that to be an engagement ring!” Seriously, Vienna? You should have at least waited until he opened to box. Kasey, naturally, was mad. “You just killed the moment,” he seethed through his perennially clenched jaw. “I was trying to be, like, super sweet.” Then he started to sing, and immediately lost any iota of sympathy someone could have had for him. These people deserve each other.

“Strategy” Time

And then it was time to decide who was going home. Erica wanted to keep Jake safe and put Melissa in jeopardy, so she spread a rumor that the two were working together. This worked to make Melissa go so wackadoodle crazy that everyone wanted her gone, but it came close to ruining her plan to get Melissa’s vote for Kasey. Since it turned out that all the women were safe and only one dude was going home, I wasn’t sure Erica had made the right move in throwing Melissa under the bus. Luckily, Melissa is such a starved for attention, insecure nutcase that all Erica had to do was softly murmur to her about what a jerk Blake is, and suddenly Melissa had turned from screaming at Erica to handing over her vote.

Eventually, it all came down to The Man Who Beat Mold. If he stuck with his alliance and voted Jake, Jake would be gone. If he took Erica’s bait and followed his partner Ella in voting for Kasey, Kasey would be gone. And oh man, was I hoping he’d do the latter. I’m no Jake fan (I’m not an anyone fan, it’s Bachelor Pad) but I REALLY wanted to see Vienna’s face as her boyfriend got the boot.

This is where the editing got weird. Everyone gathered for the rose ceremony, and Michelle handed out roses to the safe guys. It, of course, came down to Kasey or Jake. There was about 15 minutes of ominous music, I heard the name “Kasey”, and then it cut to black and went to commercial. I thought the TV channel had screwed up, but I guess this is just Bachelor Pad‘s way of creating suspense. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see Vienna’s happy dance – how will I pass the time? When we returned, we were treated to the masked man completing the synchronized swimming routine, but nothing else.

So Jake’s out and Kasey’s safe – yawn. What did you think of the episode? Were you hoping for Kasey and Vienna to be broken up? Is there anyone to root for on this show?




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