Today is the day. The day I was going to announce my news. The day I would have moved out of the frightening first trimester into the safety of the second trimester. 13 weeks, 3 days.
During the eight weeks of my most recent pregnancy, I wrote some blog posts that I meant to share after today. In fact, I have one blog post full of hope and promise that I was writing just as I realized I was miscarrying. It remains, sitting in blog limbo, mid-sentence, unfinished. Kind of like my family right now.
This was my first blog post written after finding out about this pregnancy. It was going to be my announcement post. Now, I would like to publish it, on the same day it was scheduled to be published, as a memorial of sorts. For my first miscarried baby, I wrote a poem. For my second, I write this.
Originally written on March 18, 2011
(5 weeks pregnant)
I remember so vividly the day I found out I was pregnant with Cameron. I was at home, alone, and between shifts at the restaurant. There I sat, scared and anxious and excited and wound up, waiting for my husband to come home so that I could just tell him. I needed not be the only one who knew. I needed to be assured that being pregnant was a good thing and not a ridiculously scary thing. I needed to have someone to be excited with, to plan with and to share my secret with.
That didn’t last long.
I told Dan and then left. I had to go. I had to work. Finding out about a pregnancy is not reason to call in sick… especially when you already worked in the morning. I told him not to tell anyone and then I left the apartment, him alone and me working.
Let me tell you, I was absolutely not able to concentrate on serving a table of 12.
So I told someone. I told someone I barely knew outside of work. I told someone who I rarely talk to now. I told my manager. I was excited and anxious and I could not work without telling someone.
So, I let out our secret. Right away.
When I found out about my second pregnancy, I felt completely different. The initial feeling of fear was barely there, and it wasn’t the being pregnant part that excited me so much. What thrilled me was the knowledge that my amazing family was expanding; That our love was growing and swelling to include the new person that was growing inside of me while my body swelled for her.
This time, I knew I could wait patiently to reveal the news to my husband. I had to make up for the terrible way I revealed it to him the first time. (Could you imagine coming home after a long day of work to be bombarded with the news that you will be having a baby and then be forced to be alone with that thought all night?!). So I kept my mouth shut until that night when the husband and I went on a little date.
Well, I kind of kept my mouth shut. I certainly didn’t keep my fingers from clicking. As soon as I saw the word Pregnant show up on the stick, I snapped a picture with my iPhone and emailed it to my Mom and sister. Dan doesn’t know yet! I wrote, So no saying anything just yet!
The news was too overwhelming to keep inside of me. I had to share it. I had to spread my joy.
Well, now, I have a secret again. It is contained deep inside of me, and so far, I’ve only told my husband and my son. I’ve only held onto this secret for 40 hours, and this time, it feels different. This time, I want to hold it close. I want to slowly soak in the reality. I want to treasure this, and ponder it in my heart*. Because I know how easily this can be ripped away from me – torn out of me.
There is part of me that wants to shout from the rooftops:
I’m Pregnant! There’s life inside of me! There is beauty blooming in my womb! Share in my joy!
Sometimes I think, maybe I could just tell those women on Twitter who I’ve grown anonymously close to.
And maybe, soon I will. Maybe soon I will tell my Mom and my Dad and my sisters and my cousin. Maybe soon I will text my best friends.
But for now, I am treasuring this moment. For now, I am staying contained. For now, at least this moment, my baby is staying contained in me.
My beautiful, blossoming, contained baby.
I love you.