Expedition Impossible: Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

I like to think that I’d be able to survive The Amazing Race, given I had a partner who could swim well, lift heavy things, read a map and drive a stick. I like to think I’d be able to cut it on Survivor, given I was on a tribe that won all the immunity challenges (because otherwise I’d probably be voted out first), that there weren’t too many bugs, and that I didn’t lose my temper around idiots. But I can’t even fantasize about my being able to partake in Expedition Impossible.

For reals, this show looks hard. And the prize isn’t even that good! I would not last, this I know. As AJ from the Fab 3 said this week, “We knew this was gonna be hard. I mean, the word “impossible” is in the title.” This week’s leg called for a ton of mountain climbing, and most of these people are no Sir Edmund Hillary. I’m lookin’ at you, that one dude on the Country Boys team.

Yes, the Country Boys fell into last place during the first big mountain climb, and they stayed back there the entire leg. What it with that one guy and not being able to handle altitudes? Isn’t he from, like, the same small town as his friends? They seem to be doing fine, so what gives?

Hook, Line and Sinker

When teams got to the peak of the first big mountain, they had to use a hook on a long rope to bring  a cage up from the side of the mountain. When they grabbed a cage with a key in it, they’d get directions to an overnight camp. Even though the Country Boys arrived at the challenge last, they were good at it and made up ground, leaving a few teams behind.

In dead last were the New York Fisherman and the California Girls, and the Cali Girl who’d been selected to complete the task because she was a golfer and would have great hand-eye coordination was not handling herself well. There were a lot of tears. Also, it was freezing on the mountain peak and almost no one appeared to be wearing gloves. Finally the NY Fireman grabbed the right cage, but he wouldn’t leave until he’d helped his competition along. Really, buddy? I get that the whole saving the damsel in distress thing is often like, your job, but this is a game! When the Fireman and the Cali Girls got to the overnight camp, “Fathead” (the charming fellow who’d coached Crying Cali Girl through the task) said “It’s not about the finish, it’s about the journey.” Baloney. Of course it’s about the finish – there’s a prize depending entirely on how you finish. No one plays Monopoly and said “Well, I finished last but at least the journey was fun.” No! If you lose, you sulk and demand to play again so you can win. Right?

Take a Plow

The next day, much to the Country Boys’ delight, there was more mountain climbing! Yay! Once again the Country Boys immediately fell behind, this time along with Team Kansas. One by one teams packed mules and climbed a third mountain, which eventually led them out of the cold, windy weather. When they got to their destination they had to assemble the plow they’d brought on the donkey and plow a field in search of a clue.

Throughout the entire race the Gypsies were in the lead with No Limits right on their heels, and that’s how they finished. The Movember Men seem to be unbeatable, but No Limits could definitely give them a run for their money. Following them were the Football Players, who didn’t get to speak at all during this episode, the New York Firemen, the Cops, the Fisherman, and the California Girls.

In eighth place was the Fab 3, who spent the bulk of this leg whining and bickering. Well, mostly just AJ and his sister – that other dude is rather silent. Poor guy. I like Team Turquoise, but this was not a good week for them.

Predictably it came down to Team Kansas and the Country Boys, but the plowing challenge gave the Country Boys a chance to catch up and stay in the game. They’re not my favorite team, but neither is Team Kansas so I didn’t care which team was eliminated – they’re both just fat waiting to be trimmed anyway. The Country Boys found their clue first, which  meant they arrived at camp in time to live another day. The Kansas sisters are out, but it’s OK – after all, there’s no place like home, right? They shouldn’t have even needed a helicopter to get them home – they could have just clicked their heels a few times!



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Elisapie Isaac At The Company House.

Hankerin’ for Henry House