Ally: Me? I’m too tired to even think about whipping my hair back and forth. It’s been a long week, a productive week, but a long one. I’m boring even myself with this post. Listen, I’m going to kick this over to Anthony who appears to have had his red bull and wheaties today.
Anthony: Oh Willow Smith, look at what you’ve become. Riding on your parents’ fame, you have turned into the latest buzzworthy celebrity on the block. Oh, and you’re TEN YEARS OLD. Seriously, ten years old? I have an undergraduate degree and an advanced diploma in Public Relations and I’m unemployed. You however, have a stylist, a massive music video, recording contract, the prospect of your own clothing line and, on top of all that, Daddy Smith’s fortune to coast on even if your budding empire falls apart.
I’m kind of hoping that it does fall apart – just for funzies. Also, if you hear of a 25 year old male with the charm of Oscar Wilde and the vindictive capacity of Jill Foster Abbott being arraigned on charges of conspiracy against Ms. Smith – it’s not me.
I could sit here and seethe but in true underdog fashion, I’m taking the success of Willow Smith as a learning experience. So here are the top five things I’ve learned from Willow and her cadre of sycophants.
*Sidenote: I bet she has no idea what cadre or sycophant mean, nor how to use them in a delicious sentence. Deal with THAT.
1: There will never be enough animal print
I bet she even killed the animals required for this look.
I’ve realized that if I want to make a name for myself, nay, an image, then I have to abandon my apprehensions about clashing prints and dive in head first. Willow may be looking ferocious here but it’s risks with fashion like this that obviously landed her a record deal with Jay-Z and Roc Nation.
2: You are never too old for a stylist
Willow is currently signed with famed stylist Mariel Haenn who has clients like Rihanna, Mark Ronson (swoon) and…wait a tick…Will Smith and Jada-Pinkett Smith?! Oh sure, Mama Jada says that she would never let her kids wear something scandalous but I think she’s more than lenient. Clearly, I need a stage parent to succeed in this world.
I've a good mind to report this to Child Services.
3: If you’re going to make an entrance: MAKE AN ENTRANCE
And now, a moment of silence for the cans of hairspray lost to this braid.
Obviously, I have to master this art. Sure, the video is there to announce Willow’s “entrance” into the music business but if you’ve got the moxie to walk into a room with a boombox outfitted with paint wells AND a hair braid that’s shaped like a heart, then thine is the world and may it bend to your whims.
4: Be adorable while imparting an empowering message to children
“‘Whip My Hair’ means don’t be afraid to be yourself and don’t let anybody tell you that that’s wrong. Because the best thing is you.” (via Why Fame)
So wise and intuitive for such a young lady! Plus, look at this corporate look she’s rocking. I’d listen to her.
Sure they have a tight family unit but…umm…do they have two cats?
5: OH MY GOD I HATE WILLOW SMITH
I realize this final bit is contrary to the whole post but after writing this, I’ve realized I hate a ten year old girl. “Whip My Hair means don’t be afraid to be yourself”? Seriously, kid? Who spoon fed you that gem? There’s nothing more frustrating than a media trained child under the age of 15. Also, Mariel, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself – re: what are you dressing this child in?!?! Fringe lined tights? Sorry, my mistake, ZEBRA print PINK fringe lined tights.
It didn't work for 1984 and it's not working now.
If one more celebrity gossip column or fashionista expert hops on the Willow Train then it’s decidedly over for the human race as we know it.
Do I enjoy the song? Yes, but only when I watch the cockatoo dance to it. Willow, you might be on top now but I’m waiting for the day you slip up. Maybe it’s the absolutely frigid Starbucks I’m writing this in, maybe it’s the possibility of snow, or maybe it really is the lack of gainful employment that has me seething but I’ll say with conviction that I hate Willow Smith. Enjoy the double digits sister and when you get to 25, call me with stories about what a wild ride it’s been. I’ll be 40 by that time and will need a laugh. Or I’ll be dead.
Probably dead.
Ally: Love it. Tonight is the big Turbine Showcase 2o1o. Can’t wait. Photos to come next week, we hope to see you there!
Crappy Pop Video of the Week. I can’t get this out of my head. I love it. Love it hard.
L-A: I am 100 per cent phoning it in this week. I had a pile of work due this week (which included a speech entitled “Why I hate Jian Ghomeshi and you should too) and I got a head cold for shits and giggles. Good times.
Want to know how much I’m phoning it in today? I’m wearing a t-shirt with this on it today:
Yeah, that’s a lot. It’s been a loooong two weeks.
But I am turning to y’all for help: where can I find something to wear? For tonight? I need last minute, preferably available downtown (no car and no time for metro transit treks back and forth across town) and affordable (student budget). GO!
