I recently got some awesome news. One of my very dear friends is pregnant with her first! I was honoured to be one of the first people she told about her pregnancy and my insides are just bubbling with the news.
But I’ve been sworn to secrecy. So you won’t hear anything coming out of these lips. Nope. Nadda.
Hearing this news has confirmed a few things I’ve believed for a while. The first is that despite my recent struggles with carrying a pregnancy to term, I can feel genuine joy for other women and their pregnancies. I will admit to feeling pangs of jealousy when people I follow on Twitter share pictures of the positive pee tests and when I hear daily, weekly, and monthly updates online of pregnancies that are progressing without a hitch. But the joy I share with these women are still present. And when the woman announcing her pregnancy is someone dear to my heart, I couldn’t even find an ounce of envy if I tried. Only pure unadulterated joy.
The second thing that was confirmed to me is that I want another baby.
No surprise there, right?
Once I get past the initial shock of miscarrying and the realization that waiting another three months before trying again results in not having another baby for at least another year, patience starts to set in. I start to appreciate the perfect equilibrium we have currently reached in our family. Mom, Dad, little boy. Already a complete little family.
But now that someone I love is pregnant, my patience is waning. I remember the bond that is created when pregnancies are shared. I remember reaching milestones together and bemoaning similar symptoms. I remember the camaraderie that was created as we both waited in anticipation for our little bundles to arrive. I want that again. I want that for me and for her.
I am trying not to count the days. I am trying not to announce One Month down, Two to Go!. I’m trying not to plan out which days will be perfect for baby making already. I’m trying not to get my hopes up that next time will be the right time.
Instead, I’ll share my past pregnancy experiences with my friend. I’ll celebrate each milestone with her and I’ll be an ear when she is feeling particularly frustrated with the symptoms. I’ll live off of her joy while I wait for my own. Hopefully through her pregnancy we can still create a bond – a bond that comes through motherhood.