Safely Fallen

On Saturday night I went out to dinner with my cousin and some girls that I only slightly know. My cousin was sweet enough to invite me along and I could not have had a better time. Since returning to work, I have had much more “adult time” but much less “social time”, and it was nice to just be given the night off.

As the dinner started wrapping up and the bills started appearing, it was clear that most of us Mamas were crashing. After a long week of working and Mama-ing, a night out was fabulous, but we also knew when it was time to call it quits.

I remembered when 9pm on a Saturday night was early, not late, when dinners out were typical and when friends were always around. I remembered back to when I was dating and every evening I’d put on makeup and get dressed up.

I was thinking back to this time longingly.

Life was fun then. It was easier. I studied harder and had more deadlines, but in general, my time was my time. My body was my body. And my consistently wooing boyfriend made me feel constantly special.

These days, I often feel like I don’t have any time. I rarely feel good in my own body. And despite the tiny little arms that wrap themselves around mine, I sometimes don’t feel as appreciated as I would like.

As I walked to my car, heading home to my family and to my bed at 9pm, I wondered what life would be like if I weren’t a 25 year old mother and wife. If I were instead 25 and single. 25 and falling in love.

I sat in my car. I texted my husband to let him know that I was on my way home. I turned the key in the ignition and turned on the radio.

Joni Mitchell’s “Help Me” came on CBC radio’s Vinyl Tap.

“Help me I think I’m falling in love again.”

Suddenly, I was reminded that along with the thrills of falling in love, there is also uncertainty and pain.

I was driving home to a messy house and a sick baby. I was driving home to budgets and debt. I was driving home to a full dishwasher and an empty washing machine.

I was driving home to my husband and child.

I was driving home to certainty and love. I was driving home to my family.

I decided that I do not wish that my life were any different. I do not wish that I had a couple more years of carefree living. I do not wish to be constantly wooed into falling in love.

Because I am already there. I have done the falling. I have completed that stage and I have made it to the endgame. I have a family. I have love.

I have what I was looking for when I was single and carefree.

I have it. I have them.