Survivor: Wandering Eyes

I don’t have high hopes

OK, first things first: I’m sure y’all are just dying to know who I got in my Survivor office pool, right? Well, let me preface it by saying that Team Jill was chosen TWELFTH out of fifteen names in a hat. Almost everyone was gone by the time we had a chance to choose – my top five choices had been Albert, Mikayla, Keith, Rick and Whitney.

So, we’re all rooting for Sophie now, cool? I had Sophie ranked tenth on my list for the pool, and out of the remaining options she was certainly the least offensive. So wish me luck. Clearly I need it since (in case you don’t regularly follow the dramas of my life/blog) I’ve never won. Ever. More often than not I’m out first or second. But this has been a good year for me, you guys! I’m gonna win, I can feel it! (I’m a pessimist. I’m never going to win.)

Speaking Up

OK, on to the show – which was pretty good! I like how this season is shaping up. First of all, let’s talk about Semhar. Just as I joked (silently, to myself, because I and everyone around me adheres to a strick NO TALKING DURING SURVIVOR rule) that her strenuous stray on Redemption Island would provide great spoken word fodder, she went and said almost exactly the same thing! Only, like, she said it without a trace of irony. And then she spoken worded herself to sleep. No joke. She like, recited a poem to herself. Is this what happens when you really wish you were Rihanna but you couldn’t carry a tune if Jay-Z himself handed you a bucket? Because I can’t sing, and I’m always bummed that I can’t partake in karaoke. So maybe next time I’ll get up there and like, talk in a really dramatic way about how I don’t miss YOU, I just miss the IDEA of you. So powerful. So heartfelt. So cliche.

Back at Semhar’s old camp, Cochran was speaking up to. Yes, he wasn’t following mommy’s orders to be good and stay away from the machete anymore! This was a brand new assertive, useful, adventurous Cochran. This was a cool, mellow Cochran. Puh-lease. That kid is way too Woody Allen to ever be cool and mellow. Take it from someone who gets anxiety if she gets gravy on her carrots – there’s no changing that aspect of your personality. Also, Cochran? It would be really great if this new you didn’t refer to himself in the third person. No one likes that. OK?

There was one person on the Savaii tribe who wasn’t speaking up, though – Ozzy. He found the idol already! That was way too easy. Come on, Survivor producers – I thought these things were actually supposed to be hard to find ever since that one season where they just kept falling out of the sky and landing in Russell’s stinky fedora? The one up side is that Russell can’t really claim he’s so special anymore since everyone and his monkey has managed to find an idol without a clue. Anyway, Ozzy didn’t tell anyone he has the idol, which is definitely the right move. Hopefully this time he won’t get voted out with it still buried in the woods somewhere.

Speaking of speaking up, it was going on over at Upolu too – I knew Little Hantz wouldn’t be able to keep his dirty little secret for long. After spending the night cuddling with Coach, he just couldn’t bear to lie to the guy. Oh, Little Hantz. If you hate lying, perhaps Survivor isn’t really the game for you. Maybe you’d be better suited to Go Fish or Truth or Dare. Initially, Coach was thrown, knowing he’d aligned with the nephew of “my number one nemesis, Russell Hantz.” But then they prayed together (did you guys throw up in your mouths a little at that point, too?) and Coach decided to give the kid a chance.

Cool Kids and Hot Chicks

Over at Savaii, a five person alliance was formed that has the potential to make this game very interesting. First, Keith confessed that he and Ozzy had formed a hot young dude alliance. They decided it would be a good idea to pull Jim in as the less hot, less young third wheel. Perfect! Because Jim then approached Keith with a plan to form a solid threesome with Ozzy, and then pull Elyse and Whitney in to make five. I didn’t want to put Jim too high on my office pool list since I was worried he would ruffle feathers, but he does seem to have a relationship with Whitney and Elyse that could prove advantageous. The problem is his arrogance – he was too busy telling us all how his poker experience makes him super perceptive to pick up on the fact that Keith and Ozzy are really tight.

Meanwhile, Little Hantz was putting pressure on his alliance to oust Mikayla. Why? Oh, because he’s a total creeper and can’t stop staring at her. Honestly, I was so mad during this whole thing that I barely took any notes. He’s just so gross! Why can’t he just stop staring at her! Why does he act like it’s her fault that he’s tempted? It’s not her fault that he lacks self-control! And, also buddy, I have three words for you: In. Your. Dreams. Does Mikayla even know his name?

The person Little Hantz should have been considering voting out was Christine, since everyone knew she was hardcore looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. She wouldn’t be a loss to the tribe challenge-wise, she wasn’t part of a core alliance, and she could possibly have an Idol? Ding ding ding! Sounds like a much better candidate for elimination than the hot girl you can’t stop fantasizing about. If you’re actually playing the game, that is. Unfortunately for Christine, she didn’t find the Idol – just a clue for it.


Challenge time! Upolu showed up to the challenge eating fruit, which seemed like a pretty good tactic to psych out the other team. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. The challenge was two parts – first, part of the tribe had to unwind ribbons from a maypole. Obviously, this was the part of the challenge that Cochran took part in and he still managed to look incredibly awkward. Upolu blew through that challenge easily, earning the other part of the tribe a huge lead for the puzzle portion of the challenge. There, they had to move heavy blocks around in order to release one block in particular. I don’t know what Upolu was doing, but Savaii caught up and took home the prize.

My favorite part of the challenge? When Probst yelled out “Dawn needs to pick up the pace! This is not a picnic!” Oh, Jeffrey. Never change. 

That’s right Little Hantz, just look the other way

Back at camp, Coach suggested to his alliance (and Edna, who is his BFF but is on a need-to-know basis) that they split their votes between Christine and Stacey, since the two are super tight, not that valuable, and it was possible Christine has the idol. Sounded like a solid plan, right? Well, not to Little Hantz, who decided to go public with his anti-Mikayla campaign.

I’ve already told you how creepy and stupid I think his obsession with Mikayla is, but while we’re at it, can we talk about Little Hantz’s creepy obsession with Parvati? Or as he calls her, “Poverty”. Saying “She screwed many a man”? Really? I’m going to go ahead and assume he meant she was a strategic player, and not a tramp, but still. He’s such a douche. I hate this kid.

Strategy 101

Beyond Little Hantz’s terrible idea to vote out the strongest woman on the tribe, everyone on Upolu seems to generally suck at strategy. First, six of them stood around, obviously discussing Tribal Council. As Mikayla approached, someone said “Here she comes”. If you’re Boston Rob, this is your cue to seamlessly segue into discussing brownies and caramel sauce. If you’re Coach, you ask her for some privacy. Because that won’t set her radar off.

Coach didn’t have much to worry about though, since as both a jock and a model, Mikayla doesn’t seem to really be smart enough to do anything about her situation. “They think that I’m not trustable,” she whined to the camera. Seriously. Trustable.

Christine and Stacey noticed the powwow they weren’t invited to as well, so they asked Edna about it. Oh, I don’t know who’s going home, Edna told them. Smooth. But then they pressured her for more, so Edna said they were talking about voting out Sophie. Um, with Sophie standing right there? Really, Edna? I’m not surprised when the lingerie football player says “trustable”, but you’re supposed to be some kind of fancy doctor-entrepreneur lady. You should have known better.

Even though Coach wasn’t on board with Little Hantz’s Operation Delilah, Little Hantz decided to try and get Christine and Stacey to vote Mikayla with him. Going into Tribal Council, I really wasn’t sure who’d be getting votes.

Helter Skelter

The unpredictability made for a good Tribal Council. Immediately, Coach said he’d been told that Stacey and Christine were voting for Mikayla, and he wasn’t OK with that as she’d done nothing wrong. “Coach at Tribal Council just lays everything out on the table,” he told Probst. Oh, Coach. Didn’t you hear what I said to Cochran about talking to yourself in the third person? Don’t.

Christine and Stacey reacted less calmly than one would have hoped, which is part of why I put them both very close to the bottom of the Survivor office pool list. “From whom did you hear that from, Mr. Honesty?” Christine demanded. We all knew it was Little Hantz, but Coach wouldn’t say that – which, according to Albert, showed loyalty. Oh, Albert. It’s probably best not to involve yourself in these sorts of squabbles.

Then, proving he really should have just stayed home to play Hungry, Hungry Hippos with his kids, Little Hantz could no longer resist the urge to ‘fess up. He admitted that he’d told Christine and Stacey to vote Mikayla, and they immediately attacked Coach saying “SEE? We were NEVER going to vote for Mikayla, we just talked about it!” Hairs, ladies. You’re splitting them.

Proving that she’s definitely brawn and not brains, Mikayla had to be prompted by Probst to contribute to the conversation. Even then she sort of just looked around as if to say “Huh?” I, for one, really wanted to hear Little Hantz have to explain why he was gunning for Mikayla.

Then everyone voted, and Coach licked his parchment. It was incredibly weird. When all was said and done, Sophie received a vote (thanks a lot, Stacey), Edna got a vote, Stacey got three votes, and Christine was eliminated with four. Bye, Christine! Too bad you clearly didn’t watch last season, because you appeared to follow the exact same path as Kristina. Now, Christine is off to Redemption Island to face off against Semhar…that is, if she manages to wake up.

What did you guys think of the episode? Are any of you guys in office pools? Do you have a favorite yet? And you guys should check back here later tonight, since I recently had a chance to talk to the one and only Boston Rob Mariano about his new show, and I’ll have a post on that up soon.




Resting Up – #ThinnerThursday

Resting Up – #ThinnerThursday

Modern Family: Howdy!