I didn’t blog about The Bachelor last week because, well, it was three damn hours long and kind of boring. I fast-forwarded through a lot of the show. Here’s what I remember:

• Andi and Josh walked the “red carpet” together and then announced a breakup the next day.

What kind of iron-clad contract had the signed agreeing to appear at that event?
• The woman who got the “first impression” rose seems like she’ll be a frontrunner.
• There were many, many awkward first meetings, but the lady with the pink, portable karaoke machine was worst.
• One gal had too much to drink, and the way the promos teased things I was sure she was going to throw up on the women in front of her. But no, she just teetered and yawned a lot, and everyone else acted like she had kicked a puppy on the way in.
• The promos always suggest a lot of drama and the show doesn’t always follow through, but there sure were a lot of tears.

The First Group Date

I cannot tell the women apart yet, but six of them joined Chris on the first group date of the season. They were told to “show your country”, because it has been made abundantly clear that Chris is looking for a woman to drop everything and move to the farm. After, like, six weeks of knowing someone. It will definitely work out.

The women were forced to walk around LA in their bikinis, because why would you want to throw something on top of that? That would be crazy! It’s not like stores sell cute little tunic cover-ups or anything. People aren’t into that. God, The Bachelor can be so gross.

The first part of the date was a tractor race. It was as riveting as it sounds. Ashley I. was in second-last place, but then she won! Who would’ve imagined? Not me!

MacKenzie told Chris he had a big nose during their alone time, which was one of the least charming flirting techniques I’ve ever witnessed. She followed that up by asking if he believes in aliens. Then she said “I haven’t been on a date in sooooo long, like a year,” and beat around the bush before finally telling Chris she’s got a one year-old kid. That turned the conversation around, and Chris ended up giving her a rose.

While Chris was on his group date, two women snuck into his apartment and snooped around. They definitely seemed drunk, and one was not wearing pants. Her bikini bottoms were small enough that her bum and crotch areas had to be blacked out for network TV. Her parents must be so proud.

Meanwhile, Julia opened up to a few of the other women about her daughter, and her late husband who took his own life. It never stops being weird how this show turns from something like bikini-clad women racing tractors, to someone confiding their darkest days to others, and back again.

One-on-One Date

When MacKenzie returned from her date, she dished with the ladies in full detail about how many times Chris kissed her.

Chris selected Megan to go on the first one-on-one date of the season, and the first helicopter ride of the season. (Megan, for what it’s worth, didn’t even realize she was getting a date. She thought the “Date Card” was just a love note.)

Chris and Megan went to the Grand Canyon, where she told him a tragic tale while noisy helicopters flew overhead. At least two thirds of the women on this show have a big, tragic story to share with Chris. Is this stuff they bring up on normal first dates? I’m always so uncomfortable during these conversations. If that were me, I’d be sipping my wine like…

Anyway Megan got a rose.

The Second Group Date

“This is literally my worst fear” is exactly what I would say if I were on The Bachelor, too! Who said that? My spirit animal, that’s who.

OK, her worst fear is not the show itself, it was the bizarre, death-themed date everyone was sent on. Who thought up the idea to send a group of women, the majority of whom probably recently suffered personal tragedy, on a death date? Whoever it was probably got a promotion and a raise.

Was anyone in that limo NOT screaming? I wish I’d been there. You should see me at the haunted maze during Halloween. I’m cool as a cucumber. The people playing monsters hate me.

The date was actually a zombie-themed paintball outing. It seemed fun, though it would have been MORE fun if they’d been shooting at each  other. Bruises for the rest of the season! So sexy! Since the zombies were unarmed, it felt a little one-sided. Yet, everyone was still screaming and freaking out.

Ashley S. took a very long time to comprehend the plan. Then she took it very seriously. For the whole evening, Ashley S. made no sense. Was she baked? Did she find some prescription pills on the ground? Was she actually bitten by a zombie? What was going on?

Kaitlyn got the rose, which made sense. She seems pretty fun, and had good chemistry with Chris. But it was tough on Britt, who got the First Impression Rose before and had juuuuust been kissing him two seconds before he handed out the rosBe.

*I just read Britt’s bio, and she lists David Foster Wallace and Dave Eggers as her favorite authors. She uses the term “wordsmith”. She’s officially too good for The Bachelor – both the show and the guy.

Enough about the date, though. Let’s talk about Drunky McMesserson. Yep, it turns out that Jordan didn’t just drink too much on the first night. She drinks too much every night. That must be so fun for everyone else in the house!

The Rose Ceremony

Let’s talk about Ashley I. Ashley looks like a Kardashian, and is a virgin, which everyone finds concerning. According to MacKenzie, the trifecta of desirability is to be pretty, have a good personality, and be a virgin.

But then, MacKenzie saw Ashley and Chris making out and was totally confused. She’s a virgin! What is she doing kissing people? Oh, MacKenzie. I feel like there might be some aspects of sex ed that you missed.

Britt also spotted the kiss, and was upset because she connected with him so early. Britt, again, I’m pretty sure you’re better than this.

Jordan was plastered, and questioned Chris about whether he was getting lipstick all over his face. Jordan. Sigh. You’re probably not better than this.

Britt got the first rose, followed by Ashley I. And that’s all the names I know.

When Chris called Julia’s name, Jillian (I think?) came forward instead, tripped on the carpet, and burst into a loud, embarrassed cackle. She got a rose later, but it was hilarious.

The final rose went to Ashley S. – zombie girl! That was surprising. Do you think the producers told him he had to choose either the crazy girl or the drunk girl? For entertainment’s sake.

Well, we’re two episodes in now. Will Chris meet his wife? I wouldn’t bet the farm.