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The Bachelor – It’s a Suite, Suite Fantasy Baby

Double dose of The Bachelor this week! The hometown dates are over,so Juan Pablo could get the hell out of a bunch of town’s he’ll never live in and head to St.

Lucia. I’m sure he just played Daft Punk’s “Get Lucky” on a loop during the whole plane ride.

She’s up all night ’til the sun… I’m up all night to get some…

Date #1 – Clare

The first date went to Clare, who was already “up all night for good fun” in the ocean in Vietnam. But Juan slut-shamed her for that afterwards, so she went through a cute charade where she pretended she might not spend the night with Juan Pablo in the fantasy suite.

Clare went to the fantasy suite because “I don’t want to lose him.” So, great.

Date #2 – Andi

Ah, the date we were all waiting for! Andi and Juan Pablo spent the day wandering a seafood fiesta in St. Lucia, so for the first time all season I was jealous of someone holding hands with Juan Pablo. Because like, pass me a shrimp skewer please. He wore a tank top, which both made me think he’s gross and made me think he doesn’t care that much about Andi. (I thought maybe his clementine tank would be what they’d fight about in the fantasy suite, but no.)

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wanted to ask Andi about how she said she “badly” wants to fall in love. It made her sound desperate, basically, and he’s worried that she’s forcing things. They worked it out, and Andi accepted the invitation to the fantasy suite.

Juan Pablo woke up in a great mood the next morning. They “talked” and “laughed” for “hours. HOURS. Like, hours.” Oh my god, Juan Pablo, was it hours? You weren’t clear enough. Andi woke up, and “could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite”. It turned into a nightmare, was a disaster – Andi said she saw a side to him she didn’t like, and hoped he didn’t think it went well.


Basically, Andi said that every time she tried to talk about her own feelings, past or desires, Juan Pablo would interrupt with his own stories. He never asked her questions about herself, told gross stories and was a name-dropper (ick) and mentioned his overnight date with Clare during their overnight date. Basically, he’s a jerk.

“It is extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself,” Andi said. Well, that basically summed it up! I liked that Andi came to such an honest revelation, but I giggled when she wondered how she’d spent SO MUCH time with him and hadn’t realized it yet. Um, you barely know the guy! I’ve known people for years before realizing that they’re assholes. I’ve definitely known someone for months before realizing that. It is not surprising that Andi’s only just seeing the arrogant side of Juan Pablo. I mean, it takes a few weeks for the rose colored glasses to come off. Especially a guy with a hot accent.

Date #3 – Nikki

Another date, another tank top. But Juan Pablo’s outfit was nothing compared to Nikki’s! She looked like 1970s Vacation Barbie! They went horseback riding and looked like the cover of at least three Harlequin romance novels.

Later, Nikki told Juan Pablo that she loves him. Did it seem like he wanted to say it back? I think Nikki’s a sure thing – he seems way more into her than the other girls, he already introduced her to his daughter. It seems inevitable.

And All The Rest?

So, thanks to a DVR glitch (actually, let’s point fingers – my husband restarted the DVR right when Andi was letting Juan Pablo have it and I missed the whole thing and I’ll probably never forgive…oh wait, I’m already over it.)

So, how was it, guys? I jumped back in when Andi said “He doesn’t get it. He never will though.” And that’s usually the case with narcissists.

Based on Andi’s soliloquy in the car, I think she’s definitely going to be the next bachelorette. (I just need everyone to know that I nailed spelling soliloquy correctly on the first try. I might write Bachelor recaps, but at least I can write.)

Chris said that the girls should hear from Juan Pablo about why Andi went home. Um, no. Did he say “Andi left because she’s thinks I’m kind of an ass”? No. He said Andi’s feelings weren’t that strong. I wish Clare and Nikki had gotten a chance to talk to Andi instead. That would have been more fun.

So, I missed a lot of this episode, but that’s OK – we’re in store for lots of drama next week during “The Women Tell All”.

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