Alright, Bachelorette watchers and those of you who just read this blog for kicks. Here’s where we were when the season finale PART TWO of The Bachelorette began, which by the way was THREE FREAKING HOURS LONG.

Des was dumped by a wishy-washy Brooks, and he was the guy she was definitely going to choose. Letting another guy propose after that would have been a joke. So Des put on a pretty maxi dress and a full face of makeup, and tearfully told Chris Harrison that she wanted to go home. Of course, Des going home isn’t a Bachelorette ending that producers would accept, so she had to put on a happy face and carry on with two guys she really couldn’t care less about.

A rose ceremony was held for show, so that two guys who’ve already confessed their love to Des could confirm that for her by accepting a rose from a woman who was sobbing over another man.

Is the audience of After the Final Rose just full of brunette women that look like aspiring catalogue models and have really passionate opinions about this show? It seems like it. I don’t know what any of their comments were about though, because I fast-forwarded through the entire “Harrison asks the audience” segment.

Riding on Ponies With Boys

Des picked up Drew for their date on horseback, and they engaged in scintillating conversation. How was Drew spending his time – by the pool? “No.” At the beach? “No.” Then how, in beautiful Antigua, did Drew choose to spend his free days? “Just hanging out in my room.”

Oh.

Des was distracted because she didn’t feel excited about Drew, and knew she wasn’t in love with him. Gee, maybe because he’s the most boring person on earth? At the beach, Drew toasted “to being madly in love”, which he said in the same tone of voice as one would toast “to paying taxes on time”. Immediately after that, Des began a rambling breakup speech.

It was the worst kind of breakup – the dumper cried and apologized, and the dumpee stayed strong and comforted her. Later, Drew was crushed in that weird, overly intense way of his.

Riding in Boats with Other Boys

Going into her date with Chris, Des seemed unsure. Should she dump him, or marry him? Decisions are so hard when they’re completely unreasonable.

The way Des talked about Chris, it was like talking about a pet – he’s so loyal and always there for her. That’s not a husband, that’s a beagle. Des likes how much Chris cares about her, but couldn’t realize that before because she was too distracted by her actual feelings for Brooks. Greeeeaaaat. Why not just get down on one knee and start chanting “You’re number two! You’re number two!” That would make a great proposal story.

By the end of the date, Des was crying and wondering how could she not have loved him all along? I’m sure Chris will be thrilled to see that.

Family Ties

Des decided to introduce Chris to her family, which was stressful for him – last time, Des’s brother was a total jerkface to Sean. Des’s brother grilled Chris, but wasn’t so rude that it ran the guy off. He still asked her father for permission to propose. The brother even gave Chris the seal of approval when he talked to Des, although even that bozo knew that she was way into Brooks back in LA.

I got a kick out of Des saying “it took a long time for me to finally give up on him” when talking about Brooks. How many days ago did the guy bail? A week, maybe? Oh yeah, that’s a super long time. She’s definitely ready to move on now.

Chris picked out a diamond ring the size of a Smartcar to propose with. What happens to all these rings when Bachelor(ette) relationships go South? Do you get to keep it? That’s incentive enough to go on the show.

Proposal

Chris arrived, he made a boring speech about love and futures, and then he began to get down on one knee…and Des pulled him back up. YIKES! Talk about awkward, but at least she was better than that one bachelorette that time who actually let the dude get down on one knee before she dumped him.

Des told Chris that she wanted to be completely honest with him – which included telling him that she sent Drew home earlier that week. But when Des said “Throughout the journey I was torn between the two of you” (Chris and Brooks), that felt anything but honest. Really? She didn’t seem torn at all.

So then Chris got down on one knee, proposed, she said yes and then I’m not sure what happened because the glare off that giant ring blinded me.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Let’s cut to the chase – Des still had a ring on her finger when she arrived for her interview with Chris Harrison. Bets on how much longer it’ll last?

Brooks came out, looking like a male model. He still seems like a nice, normal guy. I hope he doesn’t become the next bachelor, he’s too normal and thoughtful. Bachelors need to be charming, but dumb enough to think the process will work.

Drew came out next. Honestly, I couldn’t imagine Drew saying anything that I would find interesting. I feel like there has been a Drew on every single season of The Bachelorette. He was painfully insecure, and the conversation was awkward to watch. Poor guy, he doesn’t have what it takes to coach a tween girls’ soccer team, let alone be the next bachelor.

Chris came out, Harrison kind of prodded him about being the guy Des settled for, and the conversation was overall very uneventful. He presented her with ANOTHER awful poem – this one framed, with dried rose petals. Des and I could not be less alike – that kind of thing would send me running for the hills.

At the end of the episode, Harrison announced what “all of America has been waiting to hear”. Who would be the next bachelor? For once, these dweebs made the right decision – Juan Pablo!

I liked Juan Pablo all along, and not just because he’s a hot single dad with an accent. I liked the props Juan Pablo gave to the pro women soccer players during that one group date. He’s also pretty funny and has an actual personality, so even though this show is ridiculous I think he’ll be fun to watch. What do you guys think?