The Bachelorette: Gamblin’ Girl

Another week, another ridiculous episode of The Bachelorette. Is it just me, or is this season already stupider than the past three combined? What is with Ashley and these guys? I mean, we have one in a mask, one who hates her, and several who look like Josh Groban. Heads or tails odds these are not – she seems destined to end up with a loser.

This week Ashley went on three dates with the guys in Vegas, and each date was more idiotic than the last. So let’s dive right in.

I have to say, I’m a little surprised at how these guys are raving over Ashley (except for Bentley, of course). I mean, sure, she’s cute. But they won’t shut up about her! Have they never seen a woman before? Is it a mob mentality? Is it for the cameras? She’s just a girl, guys. Pull it together. 

It’s a Nice Day for a Mock Wedding

The first guy to get a “dream date” with Ashley in Las Vegas would be William. Ashley wasn’t sure if William was serious enough for her, so she took him on a perfect date – a quickie wedding in Vegas! Brilliant, just brilliant. I know that when I’m trying to gauge how serious and mature a guy is, I do a litmus test by seeing if he’ll marry a stranger in Vegas. It’s why I have so much respect for Britney Spears! There’s someone who obviously is serious and ready to settle down.

Honestly, if I hadn’t seen the rest of the show I’d say it was the stupidest date ever. Unfortunately The Bachelorette topped themselves, so it was just one of the stupidest dates ever. We watched William sweat while he went cake tasting (OK, that is an awesome date) and ring shopping with Ashley. Then they headed to the chapel, where Ashley walked down the aisle in a trashy, see-through white dress. William said “I do” and Ashley said “We’ll see.” Yes, that’s a rock solid foundation for a relationship if I’ve ever seen one.

After Ashley backed out of what could have apparently been a “legally binding marriage” (doubtful, since even as a single girl I know you’re supposed to sign something), she took William to dinner at a fountain. OK, I can admit that this bit was kind of cool. Fountains are pretty. Over dinner, William sealed the deal with a serious story about his father drank himself to death. “The morning started with drinking and the morning ended with drinking,” he told her. Ashley said she could understand – I guess her father was an A.M. drinker as well. Those damn mimosas!

But really, the story was sad. William told Ashley that his father was left beaten and dead on the side of the road. Hmm. Not sure that’s first date material, but this is The Bachelorette! You’ve got to strike while the iron’s hot! Luckily, William totally scored with the dead alcoholic father story and Ashley gave him a rose.

The weirdest thing about the whole date, though? Ashley’s “fans”. Puh-lease. Don’t try and tell me those girls squealing over meeting Ashley in person weren’t planted by ABC to help raise her self-esteem. In real life, no one is squealing over meeting Ashley. Maybe Emily or Chantal. Ashley declared the outing the best first date ever, and somewhere nearby the poor production assistant who’d set up her carnival date with Brad shed a few tears.

Masked Man

Back at the house, the guys were still not feeling Jeff and his mask. Jeff, for his part, had managed to make himself seem even creepier by adding a black toque to his get-up and lurking around the house like the kind of guy who causes an emergency just so he can pretend to be batman and save the day.

Ames asked him if he was regretting not choosing a white mask since it was so hot out. Really? That’s the question you’re asking? How about “Are you regretting wearing a mask now that you have to freakin’ sleep in it and everyone thinks you’re a weirdo?” Jeff said he was taking the stealth approach. Perhaps he should be on the next season of Survivor alongside Phillip Sheppard? Who will Jeff choose to be part of Stealth R Us?

Dancing Fiends

The next day Constantine, Ryan M. Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames jetted off to Vegas for their turn with Ashley. The date? They got a chance to remind us how very white all the men vying for Ashley’s heart are when they danced with America’s Best Dance Crew season one winners the Jabawockeez. It was too bad Jeff wasn’t on this date – would he have worn his white Jabawockeez mask over his own black one, or just replaced it when no one was looking? Now we’ll never know.

Considering how poorly most of these men danced, there was an awful lot of trash talking going on as the men, divided into two “crews” of six, prepared their dances. The teams were called No Rhythm Nation and The Best Men, and their dances were equally cheesy – one crew reenacted a rose ceremony, the others reenacted a wedding. The winning crew? The guys who used Ashley the most in their routine, since she was the only one who could actually sort of dance. And I say “sort of dance” because she mostly just strutted around the stage.The losing guys – Ryan M., Constantine, Ames, Stephen, Matt, and Chris D. – were sent back to Casa Chlamydia to drown their sorrows in the company of the Masked Man.

For their reward, Ashley and the winning crew got to participate in the live Jabawockeez show that night. The guys were nervous since “You have a packed house, and they’re all screaming” but the screaming was more the squealing you hear when Chris Harrison greets the ladies of The Bachelor and less the screaming you hear at a Justin Bieber concert. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was the crew doing the cheering, just to make everyone feel better.

Afterwards, Ashley got some one-on-one time with the guys. West thought he’d definitely get the one available rose after he dropped the dead wife story on Ashley, but instead Bentley won it by playing hard to get. Bentley has made it clear to the cameras that he’s just here to play the role of the villain, saying “I’m gonna be pissed if I don’t get the rose. She has a great body, amazing butt, rocking legs, and having her tickle my **** I mean, that would be amazing.” And yet, despite that charming description, Bentley has no interest in Ashley. Man oh man, what a jerk. Is there any chance that his poor kid won’t end up a stripper? With a name like “Cozy” and the obvious potential for some serious daddy issues, it appears to be an inevitability.

Unfortunately, Ashley can’t see any of this. She is behaving like the classic Insecure Girl, begging the bad boy to stay. No, literally – she BEGGED him to stick around. In case saying “please” 40 times wasn’t enough to get Bentley to stick around, she also gave him the rose. Can you say “daddy issues”?

Heads I Throw Up, Tails I Punch the TV

For the final one-on-one date, Mickey and JP had to flip a coin featuring both their faces to see who would get to go. Mickey won, and headed off to Vegas for the final date.

I know I thought the pseudo-wedding date was dumb (and it was) but this date was really annoying. They flipped a coin for EVERYTHING. Heads I get the wine, tails you get the wine. Heads Ashley gets carried like a baby, tails Ashley gets a piggyback. Heads you’re annoying, tails you’re REALLY annoying. What fun!

I can’t believe Ashley had three dates in Vegas, and the most gambling we saw them do was flipping a freaking coin. Instead, Ashley and Mickey hit up an aquarium, and Ashley mused “I feel like we should flip the coin.” She didn’t know why, she just felt like they should. Mickey asked her when the last time she’d cried was, and Ashley confessed it was when she watched herself on The Bachelor and heard all the hurtful things people had said about her. Oh, don’t listen to them, Ashley! Who cares if you’ve been dressing like a tramp this season, as long as you’re happy?

Because tragedy is the watchword, over dinner Mickey told Ashley that he was an only child and his mom had died six years ago. She fell head over tails (get it? get it?) for him, of course. I pity the guy who’s had an easy and breezy life so far! The only way to this girl’s heart is through a sob story!

At the end of the date Ashley tried to leave the rose up to a coin toss, but she later confessed she would have given him the rose either way. Oh, that Ashley! She’s a clever one!

Party Poopers

Going into the rose ceremony, three men were already sporting roses – William, Bentley and Mickey. Most of the men were feeling blue about not getting to spend any time with Ashley all week, and JP – who’d lost the one-on-one date in a coin toss – stole her away immediately for some alone time.

JP seems nice enough. He looks a bit like Lance Armstrong and isn’t weird or annoying so far. But he’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch, is he? He asked Ashley to flip another coin, saying “Heads I get a kiss, tails I don’t.” It was tails. What a moron! It’s “Heads I get a kiss, tails you get a kiss.” Meanwhile, Nick tried to stand out by teaching Ashley a little line dancing, but he was cut off by William – who’d already received a rose. I’m sorry, but don’t any of the men know the word “Scram”? Is it the rule that you must relinquish your alone time the moment someone else steps in? Just say “Actually, buddy, I’m in the middle of a conversation with Ashley so why don’t you come back in a few?”

Of course, those words couldn’t have come in handy more than during Jeff’s time with Ashley. Since he’s a big creep, he lurked around on balconies for a while before sitting down with her in a dark stairwell. He told her he’s 35, had a brain hemorrhage at 29 years-old and subsequently got a divorce. Apparently there was some “untruthfulness” in the marriage, but he also mentioned some short-term memory loss so perhaps he forgot about an open marriage agreement or something. Jeff finally told Ashley he was ready to take off his mask, but Matt stepped in and interrupted. Again, people, just say Scram! But Jeff skulked away, and we’ll all have to put up with the mask for another week.

Despite already being safe, Bentley decided to cement his place in Ashley’s heart before she handed out the rest of the roses. I know I’m supposed to hate Bentley, but I just find the whole thing kind of hilarious. After William described his date with Ashley, Bentley groaned to the camera “That just sounds terrible. I would literally rather be swimming in pee than planning a wedding with her.” Yet, he continues on with his ruse, saying “Do I need to force this kiss and, like, ram my tongue down her throat?” Wow, super charming. What a guy. How much do you want to bet he’ll be on Bachelor Pad later this summer?

Although Bentley said the kiss was gross, Ashley was loving it. Sure, she’d been flat-out told the guy was a creep. But she got a good vibe from him! “I have a pretty good radar on people who aren’t being sincere,” she said. “I could be completely wrong, but in my heart I really feel something really strong for him.” Oh, honey. You’re completely wrong.

Ashley then handed out the roses, which went to West, Constantine, Brian P., Ben C., Nick, Ames, Lucas, Jeff, JP, Chris, Ben F. and Blake. And no, I don’t know who most of those people are. We bid adieu to Matt the Mama’s Boy, Stephen the Hairstylist, and Ryan M. the Indistinguishable.

Next week, it looks like we’ll get to see Ashley learn the truth about Bentley. He says he’ll make her cry and just hopes his hair looks good (it doesn’t) and she curls up in bed to sob about how no one likes her and how could this happen? And, as always, I’ll be hear to say it’s because you have him a damn rose. See you next week!




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