Before beginning my usual recap, let me deliver a little PSA. Readers of Couchtime! Are you watching The Bachelorette? No? OK, good. Because I’m watching it for you. I recommend not watching this show and instead reading my recap, so you can reap the full benefit of making fun of these fools.

Date #1, Ryan

Ryan, a pro sports trainer, was chosen for the first date of the season. Oh great, we get to hear romantic sports analogies! But really, at least this guy is also from the South. That makes it somewhat plausible that their relationship could last longer than six weeks.

Emily said Ryan was probably excepting a helicopter or to jump off a bridge, but proving that she’s not your average bachelorette, that wasn’t Emily’s plan. I’m loving this girl more and more already. She had Ryan help her bring in groceries and bake cookies for Ricki’s soccer team. (And no, Emily is not introducing all the men to her daughter yet. Ryan waited in the car like a good boy while Emily dropped off the cookies.)

Ryan didn’t even crack a smile when Emily told him that she was just kidding and they wouldn’t be concluding the date at Chuck E. Cheese – what was up with that? I thought it was funny. Instead, they finished up with a fancy dinner in Charlotte. In front of a cheering audience, because that’s normal.

When Emily asked her “tough questions” I wasn’t impressed by Ryan. He didn’t really give her straight answers and came across as too glib. But he passed Emily’s tests and she gave him a rose. The date ended with a public concert, which they always do and it’s always stupid. I want to go back to her kitchen.

Date # 2, Group Date

Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, John, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Aaron, Stevie and Kalon were the guys chosen for the “Let’s set the stage for love” group date this week. My hometown Nova Scotia boy was going on the group date!

On this date, the guys were doing something close to Emily’s heart – playing with The Muppets. Oh wait – was the charity the thing she meant? Oh, OK. Anyway, this whole performing thing is another thing that happens every season, and every season is stupider than the last. How are you supposed to get to know one another in between rehearing “Rainbow Connection” and flirting with Miss Piggy?

When Charlie got the news that he’d have to do stand up comedy, it was as though Fozzie Bear himself had told him that his mom died. But Charlie’s the one who fell off a balcony and had a brain injury, so the fear of public speaking is more than excused. He told Emily about his fear of going on stage and speaking, so he switched to dancing instead.

When Emily ended the show by doing a skit and kissing Kermit, everything became clear. Kermit should have been given the date rose. The sparks, they were flying, y’all! The rest of the show, well, it was what you’d expect. If you expected Emily to bring her daughter on stage to “sing” (stand awkwardly) with the Muppets.

Of course, what would an awkward group activity be if it’s not followed up with an even more excruciating cocktail party? The most awkward conversation was probably with Jef – yes, he spells his name with only one ‘f’ – because they essentially discussed how there’s no chemistry between them. Emily gives Jef flirty glances and he hasn’t noticed them ever, at all. That’s not a good sign.

Let’s talk about Stevie. There’s a lot to dislike. His facial hair. His job as a “party MC”, whatever the hell that is. His really, really ugly tie. His attempt to dance with Emily without any music. Also oozing the douche factor? Kalon the “luxury brand consultant” who wore a lovely sweater and only had a chance to talk about how he never has to pursue gorgeous women. To be fair, he might have been going somewhere but Alessandro interrupted. But I can’t get past the job. And the best part? Stevie and Kalon hate each other! And I hate them both! They’re both jerks, so cheers to being those guys.

Did we even see Aaron the schoolteacher from North Sydney talk to Emily? I don’t remember seeing it. Anyway, Emily gave the rose to Jef, of all people.

Date #3, Joe

Joe was selected for this date because he looks like a brunette Matthew McConaughey. (You know what’s on my bucket list? Spelling that dude’s last name without having to Google it, JUST ONCE.)

Because of his handsome face, Joe was not subjected to making cookies at home. No no, those dimples called for a private jet. That jet took Joe and Emily back to her home state of West Virginia, where they drove an antique car to a crazy fancy resort that revealed Emily’s rich upbringing. Joe did not particularly fit in, in his plaid shirt. Kind of like how Matthew McConaughey wouldn’t either. Luckily, Joe had brought a suit so he quickly went to McConaughey circa Sahara to McConaughey circa How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

I’m not sure Joe shone during his dinner with Emily. He said he wasn’t sure things like marriage and kids were things that get planned? That doesn’t sound like what Emily wants. She seems like a gal with a plan. I don’t think Joe’s going to cut it.

Yeah. Emily said that when she looks at Joe, she knows without a doubt…that she’ll know when she’s looking at the right guy, and it ain’t him. So she tearfully said goodbye. She’s going to need to toughen up, there are a lot more of these conversations coming. But you know what? The Bachelorette producers still didn’t think she was crying enough. So just to make sure she felt really, reeeeaaaally sad, they made her watch a fireworks show all alone in her fluffy pink dress. How depressing.

Back at Casa Chalmydia…

Back at the house, the guys talked about being dads and what it would be like to become a stepdad to Little Ricki. And before you knew it, Kalon and Doug were arguing over whether Doug had “put being a dad on hold” to come on the show. Sigh. Are we really having a contest to see who’s a worse person, here? In a room of reality TV show fame-chasing wannabes? Excuse me while I go sort through the box of strawberries in my fridge to choose which one looks the reddest, because the two tasks are equal.

Cocktail party time! I think Arie, who didn’t get a date this week, made a good impression on Emily by having a relatively normal conversation and by revealing that he’d once dated a woman with two children. Someone has already broken him in! It was like you could see Emily’s eyes light up.

Ready for an awkward situation? Ryan, who already had a rose, gave a letter to Emily – and somehow, she ended up reading it while Tony was in the room waiting to talk to her. Y’all can thank Bachelorette producers for that one, I’m sure! Finally, Tony got his time and he told Emily that he has a five year old son. OK, he has a kid – but the other guy had seven sheets of paper, so it’s tough competition.

As Kalon had his one on one time with Emily, it became clear that he’s definitely the most hated in the house. The other guys dislike everything about him, from his Louis Vuitton luggage to his large vocabulary. Hey, I’m not going to hate on anyone with a “Word of the Day” calendar, but it does seem as though Kalon’s shaping up to be this season’s villain.

And finally, two hours later, it was time to hand out the roses. I don’t even know who half these guys are, but let’s go for it. Kalon was called first! The other men were so mad. Next were Arie, Michael, Nate, Sean, Chris, Doug, Travis, Tony, John, Alessandro, Charlie, Alejandro and Stevie. WHAT? Stevie?? And not cute Nova Scotian Aaron? But he’s a teacher! And he has hipster glasses! And he’s handsome! And the other guy is a party MC. She chose Stevie over Aaron? He’s right, she is missing out.

I’m disappointed. Next week will continue to be in Charlotte, and Dolly Parton will visit them as well as some other country act. What is this, the Grand Ole Opry? Also, tears! All coming up next week, on The Bachelorette. See you then, y’all.

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