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The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)!

The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)! After writing this week about sexism in the worlds of Mad Men and Girls, I feel kind of icky recappingThe Bachelorette. But hey, there’s always a place for ironic distance and mockery in our lives, right? Right! So let me jump off my high horse real quick and jump on my judgier, snarkier horse.

Height of Stupidity

Chris got the first one on one date this week, and he got to have a lovely dinner with Emily. Oh, and he had to CLIMB UP THE BUILDING because this isn’t The Bachelorette if there aren’t awkward metaphors about how conquering heights means you can do anything (!) together, or how a man who’ll climb the side of a building will always (!) be there for you. Oh, and there was lightning! Because that’s safe. I can’t believe the producers missed the opportunity to force Chris to say “Our energy together is electric.” Emily said she wants “a man who’ll stay by my side, and Chris passed the test.” Girl, he was attached to a rope next to you! Of course he was staying by your side! He literally had nowhere else to go.

The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)! Over dinner, Emily got a deer-in-headlights look when she found out that Chris is only 25 years old. Yeeeeaaahh. Most of the 25 year old guys I know are not ready to be a father, especially not to someone else’s daughter. Chris told Emily that he’s mature because he left home to go to school at age 17. The fact that he thinks those few extra months made a difference just shows that he’s very young. Aw, sweetie, did you tell her you’re actually 25 and three quarters, too? But Emily said she knew in her heart that he seemed older than her, so the rose was pinned on. And then there was country music. “Girl you make my speakers go boom boom”. Those are inspired lyrics, guys.

Interview with a Mommy & Me Club

Group date time! A large pack of men joined Emily at the park for football soccer girl talk! Emily’s girlfriends came by to grill the guys and give Emily some feedback. Since they were trying to find someone who’d be a good husband and father, I knew the guys who already have kids would look good.

Two guys came across lousy – the guy with the egg (what the hell is that?) and the guy who hesitated too long when asked if he’d ever cheated on anyone. Also? Straight guys don’t call their female friends their “girlfriend”. So when dude said “my girlfriend said I should go on The Bachelor“, it looked reeeeaaally bad. Or just gay, but either way not right for Emily.

The guys who Emily’s friends chose for her were Doug, Ryan and Sean. Sean and Doug, I get. But Ryan? The douchey pro sports trainer who told Emily she better not get fat? The girl who chose that guy is a total frenemy.

Then, because this is a show that relies on gimmicks, Emily brought in a small army of children to hang out with the guys. Who are these children’s parents? Why did they allow this? ANY of these guys could be a pedophile. Just saying.

You know how there’s always a token sob story buried in the cast? Of course you do, because Emily was that cast member a few seasons ago. Well, this year it’s Doug – he brought Emily to tears with his story of his mom leaving, his dad dying and growing up in foster homes.

On the group date, Tony revealed that he was having a really hard time being away from his son. Doug tried to give him some dad-to-dad advice and make him feel better about being away, and after a stilted phone call with a kid who didn’t sound super upset, and…zzzzzzz. Man, this sad sack piano music they played while Tony was sobbing really put me to sleep. Let’s cut to the chase – Emily took one for the team and told him it was OK to go home, because she’s just not that into him. (Obviously, sugary sweet Emily let him down with such grace he didn’t even know he was being pity-dumped.) It was for the best – even my stone cold heart melted a little over how sad Tony was to be away from his son.

Emily decided to give the rose to Sean, because she knows they’d have very blond babies together.

Hello, Dolly!

The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)! For the next one on one date, Emily took race car driver Arie to Dollywood for rollercoasters and cheesy love song writing. And then, of course, Dolly Parton showed up. Because people show up for bachelorettes with tragic backstories and sweet Southern drawls. Emily was excited – like Ricki meeting the Muppets times a million. It was actually kind of sweet and funny to watch Emily’s face when Dolly said they should have a little girl talk.

I want to snark on this date, but I love Dolly Parton and want to visit Dollywood. Luckily, there was a whole dinner to get through. Arie is the guy who dated a woman with two kids – he loved her, lived with her and was close with the kids, and they broke up a year ago. I liked that Arie honestly talked about his last relationship, and then asked Emily directly why things didn’t work out for her with Brad. I wasn’t expecting Arie to be as normal as he seemed, but – dare I say it? – I actually kind of liked him. Of course, Emily gave him a rose – even though she tried to make a joke and completely bombed it.

Arie’s coming out strong as a front runner, so I won’t be surprised if he’s in the final two. Hell, he may even “win” – we pretty much new Brad would choose Emily after their first date.

Buh-bye

Emily began the cocktail party by talking with Kalon, who wore glasses and wouldn’t let Emily get a word in edgewise. And when she did say something, he said “I wish you’d let me finish.” What a jackass! I don’t know why Emily keeps saying that he’s genuine and was raised right. I’m glad she recognized that he was condescending, but I don’t think she realizes that he’s a jerk too.

You know your gimmick for The Bachelorette has gone horribly wrong when I know the name of you PET EGG (Shelley) and not your name. “Egg Guy” let Emily smash his egg – good thing Casa Chlamydia likes to have someone hose off the stone walkway every fifteen minutes to wash away the germs, or I’d be complaining about the mess it made.

Luckily for Kalon, his jerkwad conversation with Emily was overshadowed by an even more offensive one. Alessandro got himself sent home by telling Emily that he saw her and her daughter as a “compromise”.

“I don’t have a lot of experience with kids, but that’s something that will come. You’re gonna teach me, okay? If I’m willing to take that compromise as part of my life, if I wasn’t willing to do this, I wouldn’t be here.”

I feel like when he hit the word “compromise” a trap door should have opened to take him away. But really, Em, did you want to be with a guy who referred to himself as a “gypsy king” anyway? No. You didn’t. Arie swooped in for the kill bonus points by comforting her after she basically told Alessandro not to let the door hit him on the way out. The other guys were pretty jealous to see her kissing him. Also winning points was Sean, who made sure to tell Emily how ready he is to be a father to Ricki.

Man. You know, if I had any faith that relationships formed on this show could work out, I’d really like a couple of these guys for Emily. But I don’t. So show me more of the iPod DJ, Bachelorette producers! I need more fodder for mocking!

Jef (say it real fast, because there’s only one ‘f’), Charlie, Doug, Michael (who??? Jesus???), Travis (Shelley The Egg’s former owner), Alejandro, Ryan (really? ugh), John, Kalon (uggghhhh), and Nate were all given roses. Since Emily had already sent home two dudes, only one guy – Stevie – would be going home. So I guess “THIS ONE doesn’t like STEVIE!” (Hi, mom, and other Mary Tyler Moore Show fans!)

Sigh. The Party MC has been eliminated. Who will be the butt of my jokes now? Ryan, obviously, who has a weird hate on for Arie. Who considers race car drivers “dainty”? I mean, really? Can someone ask Danica Patrick to kick this guy’s ass?

The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)! The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)! The Bachelorette – You are…NOT the father (material)!


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