The Mom Jeans of Bathing Suits

Ally: Here’s the thing; I’m ok being in a two-piece bathing suit. I’ve worked pretty hard the last eight months after having BabyG to get back into pre-pregnancy shape. Let’s be clear – I’m not Heidi Klum, or even Heidi Klum’s ugly step-cousin that lives under the basement stairs, but I’m alright hitting the beach in my bikini.

With that said, I need a one-piece. It just strikes me as sort of weird to go swimming with my baby at the Sackville Sports Stadium in my Victoria Secret two-piece (they have awesome online deals btw!). You know? So, when I have gone swimming with baby, it’s been in a Walmart special. And…it’s not special at all. It’s ugly.

So, off I trotted the other day (with Baby…who will be devastated to learn when he is older that he was a part of the change room experience) to find a swimsuit. Once again, I came home with a Walmart special. Slightly better than the previous suit, but no where near what I was hoping for. Every store I hit up was featuring these:


Cut-out swimsuits. I don’t get it. I do not understand the appeal. Why get the one-piece? It seems…very unattractive and I apologize if I am offending anyone here. Truly. If you have one of these, perhaps you can explain why you have it. The( Halifax) Herald ran an article on the cut-out suit in today’s paper.  The article quotes celebrity stylist Nicole Chavez, “I think it’s a really chic look and it’s really high fashion,” she said. “The one-piece tends to be a little matronly. This is a way to wear one-piece and be very chic.”

I agree. The one-piece is typically matronly. However, it is possible to make a cute, basic swimsuit without looking like you just did the dirty with Jaws. Like this one from Victoria’s Secret:


While they do have great online prices, I always prefer to try a suit on before passing over my (husband’s) credit card. For example, the above suit may indeed translate into matronly on person if you aren’t Miranda Kerr-ish. If I was Miranda Kerr, I would wear this all the time:


A little try-hard for Sackville. I’d probably get punched in the face if I wore this there. Rightfully so.

I suppose I could also check out La Vie en Rose, which has an outlet in Dartmouth Crossing. Their online selection leaves me wanting though (all photos from their site):

Tennis anyone? No.

MY FUCKING EYES. MY FUCKING EYES. There is no polite way of saying that. Mary in a bread fucking basket that is hideous.

I take it back. I am not going to Dartmouth Crossing. This is almost as offensive as SATC2.

Someone on Twitter pointed me in the direction of Sears. Hmm…

I’m losing hope.

Ok, I could do this I think.

Sigh. L-A, I give up. Help?

L-A: I’m with you on the cut-out one piece suit. I don’t really get it. I feel like it is only sexytime awesome when you’re a Bond Girl. Except I can’t even find a picture of a Bond Girl in said variety swimsuit. Maybe I just haven’t seen a model wearing one that I like (perhaps I should be reading the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for such things).

Unfortunately, I am the last girl who should be giving swimsuit advice. Oh sure, I have opinions about swimsuits. Lots of them. But when you get down to brass tacks, I am a) not a skinny girl and b) a girl who mainly wears this as her swimsuit:

A completely sturdy, practical one-piece. (In my defense, I do enjoy swimming laps). Why would you listen to me if you knew this is what I wear?  I do have cute two pieces and a slightly cuter one piece, but going back to being not so skinny (it covers and holds it all in place) and adding the fact that I have the skin colouring of death warmed over, I just end up in my Speedo.

I could go all fashion blogger on you and say that I think the Comme des Garçons Speedo is totes hot for summer days with the swim team, but seriously?

I respect you guys too much for that. It’s the exact same Speedo I have, but with Comme des Garçons written on it and costing twice as much.  I’m not even sure who that suit is supposed to impress.

But I will try to recommend one suit for wearing to the sportsplex with the munchkin:

This suit by Deux Fm is cute without being too cutesy. It’s low cut enough in places that you still look good, but not so low cut sexytime that you look like the MILF who is hitting on the teenage lifeguards at the pool. Because that is a look you want to avoid. Unless you are trying to hit on the teenage lifeguard, in which case, may I suggest the cut out one piece? (p.s. to the ladies of Halifax: the Deux Fm suit is available at Love, Me).

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