Today I have written a movie review. I have never done such a thing for the blog. Mainly because I tend not to watch movies. It’s not that I don’t like movies, it’s just that I don’t watch many. I find it hard to commit to sitting still for more than an hour at a time. And most movies these days are so long. Why do they have to be so long?
It’s not only the sitting still. It’s also the fact that most movies- at least the blockbuster-types- have weak or non-existent plots. Or weak or non-existent characters. I find it difficult to understand how millions and millions and millions (have I mentioned millions?) of dollars can be spent on a (theoretically) artistic endeavour with a mediocre result. In particular, how is it that after all that time, money, and editing, I can be left wondering about gaps in the plot? This is sacrilegious, because I love Star Trek, but the movies… gracious. They try hard, but don’t the writers know that they create a paradox in their own plot lines every time they play the “get out of jail free” time travel card? And they do it every time. So predictable. Time and time again… I smell irony…
Oh, and I often find movies too loud. I admit that I’m a little bit noise sensitive and loud environments make me jangly, but I really don’t understand why I need to have speakers on all sides of my head. I know men are really into surround sound, and maybe it’s like how women are really into cheesecake… but I don’t really get it. Dolby surround. My feeble brain understands that a movie is a 2-dimensional entertainment experience. Why do I need a million speakers screaming at me from all sides? Why do I need to hear the helicopter circling around? Or flinch from the sound of shattering glass? Do I too need to feel like the killer is creeping up behind me and breathing on my neck? Do I too need to feel like bullets are zinging over head? Is this the full movie experience to feel like I too am IN the movie? No. This is not enjoyable for me. I don’t want to be IN the movie. I want to WATCH the movie. If I wanted to experience helicopters, smashing glass, and gunfire I would join the army. This is supposed to be fun, not a chance to flirt with profound deafness or give myself shell shock. Besides, I already have an over-active imagination. I don’t need any help to believe that the Boogeyman is going to jump out from behind my seat and snatch me. I already know he’s there. Biding his time… waiting… watching… boogying…
The point is, I don’t see a lot of movies. But I do really love Sci Fi and superhero stories. And the Transformers is a perfect combination of my two fave genres. Forgive me. I loved the Transformers cartoon. The good vs evil. The cars they transformed into. The “eee-errr-eee-errr” sound they made when they transformed. I loved Optimus Prime who, I’ll freely admit, I had a crush on even before I liked boys. So I was very pleased with the first instalment of the Transformers movie when it came out a couple of years ago: it explained how the robots came to look like man-made vehicles when they transformed (something that had been bothering me since childhood), it had a decent plot, and the acting was as good as it needed to be. Most importantly, the cars were sexy, they made the “eee-errr” noise, and Optimus was hot. Although, in the cartoon his face is covered like a bandit and all you see are his glowing eyes. I didn’t like that the movie designers gave him a nose and mouth… You know, the more I write the weirder I get.
Moving on swiftly, the point is that the most recent Transformers movie: Revenge of the Fallen, was appalling. Even I – who went there fully intending to love the movie – couldn’t stand up to the director’s multi-million dollar effort to make me hate it.
First off, the near-pornographic visuals of Megan Fox were a) understandable from the point of view of a 15-year old boy, but b) utterly blatant to the point of embarrassment. I’m no prude, but I don’t think most men need to be slapped in the face with her heaving boobs to understand that Megan Fox is beautiful. She simply doesn’t need the help to look gorgeous: her slow-mo running scenes, shiny pouty lips, and the little Decepticon humping her leg had me rolling my eyes so much that I missed out on half the movie. Which was a feat considering how effing long it was. It would make more sense to have a part at the end of the movie – after the credits- where Megan just gets undressed and washes a car. That, I could understand : it is what it is.
Secondly, the plot was overbearing. Way too much crap. WHY SO MUCH CRAP? I wasn’t there for an epic. I wanted to see good guys, bad guys, cool cars, cool planes, fighting robots, and maybe a little story. That’s it. But, really. The cavemen? The shrieking parents? The ineffectual U.S. army? The inept weeping sidekick? The Decepticon chick who makes you wonder why the Transformers bother “disguising” themselves as cumbersome vehicles in the first place? The old curmudgeonly Decepticon brought back to life who raised more questions than he answered? Like, how did he open that portal to get them to Egypt? Why don’t the other Transformers do the same instead of making the army hoick around a Mack truck from one corner of the world to another? And if the old guy is on the Autobot’s side now, why aren’t his eyes turn blue? Didn’t that happen in one of the cartoon episodes? And why aren’t the little horny Decepticon’s eyes blue? Wait a minute, do Transformers even get horny? Do they have sex? Do they have genitalia? Where are the girl Transformers? Are Transformers gay? Do I have a chance with Optimus? Does this all mean a little too much to me?
Last but certainly not least, Sam’s death scene dream sequence where he encounters the spirits of the past Primes looks like the last scene from The Dark Crystal. Apparently the dead Primes have been “watching him”. Huh? What’s this? Transformer ghosts? Does this mean that Transformers go to heaven? Is this an introductory video to Scientology? Is this completely unnecessary? Yes.
Ok. I’m done. My fingers are tired.