AllyG: Ok guys, we all know that I adore celebrity gossip. I’m not proud of this, I liken it to rolling around in an ashtray. Dirty, and totally not necessary. With that said, we all have our vices. Lately, my love for celebrity gossip has provided me with a lot of fodder about Jon Gosselin. Do you know Jon Gosselin? Of Jon and Kate Plus Eight fame? He’s an idiot. Seriously. Listen, I was on Team Jon at the start, just because living with Kate seemed to be as annoying as living with Katherine Heigl with an even more horrible hairstyle. I’ve moved past this initial judgement. I’m not only on Team Kate, I’m driving the Team Kate bus, I’m supportive of the front mullet, I’d babysit her kids. BECAUSE JON IS AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT.

You may be asking why I am writing all of this on a fashion blog. Well let me tell you my friends. It is because Jon’s recent scandalous life choices have included partying with Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier in St. Tropez. I’m sure you’re familiar with Ed Hardy’s designs. They are similar to the treat in your toilet after one of those particularly heavy drinking binges you had in university. We’ve all been there, right?

In fact, I think I may have included someone like Jon on my dance card at the Palace during one of the more lubricated evenings out on the town in my early twenties. Eek.

Audigier’s website bio states the following:

Widely considered one of the most meteoric rises in fashion history, Christian Audigier has parlayed his design experience and business acumen to become a true fashion icon and entrepreneurial sensation in less than four years. Through his collection of international companies, he has launched nine popular brands with over sixty licenses. He oversees an international conglomerate of his designer brands, including Ed Hardy®, Christian Audigier™, SMET™, Crystal Rock™, most recently C-Bar-A™, Savoir Faire™, Evel Knievel™, Rock Fabulous™, and Paco Chicano™; this includes US and international wholesale distribution, as well as US and international retail stores. Christian made his mark throughout the fashion industry after a fortuitous start at MacKeen Jeans. He has contributed to successful brands such as Diesel, Fiorucci, Bisou Bisou, Levi’s, NafNaf and American Outfitters. Christian’s style is so distinctive that he is known as the “King of Jeans.”

Did you read that last sentence? Just wanted to make sure. This is what the “King of Jeans’ is selling from his throne.

There are no words. Well, there are, but unfortunately I am off the booze for another little while so I can’t have a proper wine fueled rant.

Christian Audigier is also responsible for the Von Dutch craze a few years back. Need a reminder?

The Trucker Hat. ‘Nuff said.

Anyway, Jon and Christian have been spending some time together. Apparently, they are working on a “collaboration”. SNORT. The always awesome LA Times has a great report on what’s behind the new bromance. The article says,”

“Uncharacteristically, the company demurred, reasoning that fan of the brand Jon Gosselin was already wearing their tattoo-festooned, screen-printed, foil-embellished wares. But one thing led to another, and a short time later, Gosselin himself was patched through to Audigier’s cellphone and the two commenced to chatting about their mutual love of motorcycles.

From that conversation came the idea of a possible collaboration — Audigier’s flack was a bit noncommital on this point — perhaps a reality show about motorcycles or a line of motorcycle-themed clothing.

Again, people. WHY? WHY WITH THE CELEBRITY CLOTHING LINES?

Want to know what else is bugging me in the celebrity gossip world these days? Little, bitty child stars talking about fashion like they KNOW WHAT THE EFF THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. Want an example? Meet Noah Cyrus. Yes, L-A, that is indeed Miley’s sister. Laineygossip already went off about this little chicklet. Check out this video at Access Hollywood dot com where Noah and Frankie Jonas (uh huh, of that Jonas family) attended the premiere of their new movie, “Ponyo” (I have no idea, and I don’t care to look it up). This is a photo of Noah at another Hollywood premiere. It’s photos like these that make me feel better about my new-parent anxiety. I’m going to be A-Ok. Why? BECAUSE I KNOW THIS IS WRONG.

Excuse me while my head explodes.

L-A: So, when Ally and I start a post, we send the other a twitter thing (love twitter, hate the need for a whole new lingo or to put a “tw” in front of every word. so in short, hate the twingo) to let them know that a post is ready.  So tonight I get this one from Ally: I ranted. Can’t decide if the last photo is too inappropriate even for us. Thoughts? I hate people. I have to admit, I was a little scared. But really, nothing can prepare you for Jon Gosselin in beachwear. And can I just say, of course the man responsible for this:

would be the same douche responsible for the Von Dutch trucker hats.  King of Jeans my foot. Where is a guillotine when you need one? Good t-shirts everywhere are crying hot tears of shame for the poor shirts that get bedazzled or butchered so that C-list reality tv stars can wear them for photo ops. Also, I am so with you on the Team Kate. I mean, I’d like to give both of them a kick in the arse and I want to take sewing scissors to the front mullet, but if you have to choose a Gosselin, it looks like Kate is it.  And speaking of Gosselin’s, let’s ditch his Ed Hardy collab and just bedazzle one of these suckers from JustJared.com:

Just don’t let Audrina and her dead eyed stare near it (has she never watched ANTM? I think we all know about smiling with our eyes by now).

And of course, Gosselin talk is always a good segueway into talk of child exploitation.  Because nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the photo of Lesser Cyrus and Girl Jonas tarted up for a red carpet.  Even having seen that photo before doesn’t prepare you.  That photo brings me back to what I was saying the other day about Miley, mixed in with a dash of Toddlers and Tiaras:

(I am loving the girl in orange. Domo Arigato to you too Mr. Roboto! Also, girl upfront has a dress built for cleavage…except she won’t even be wearing training bras for at least ten years, so maybe Mommie Dearest should have thought that part of the dress out a little better. But I digress).

Honestly, if that was just a family photo of two ten year olds wearing matching swimsuits, mom’s lipstick and carrying around granny’s purse and Maltipoo, I’d be a-ok. I’d even say, “awww…kids being kids!” But what is scary is that their parents and Disney pimp them out on a red carpet just like those Toddler and Tiara moppets.  Scarier still?

That we can even make jokes about Lesser Cyrus and Li’l Jonas being Disney’s next It Couple (It is sort of funny. In case you give a shit, their older siblings have dated. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t give a shit? I didn’t think so).  Can’t you just hear the photogs? “Hey Li’l Jonas, lean in a bit, that’s right, now put your arm around Lesser Cyrus. That’s it! Aren’t you two sweet! That’s the money shot! you two are the next Brit and Justin!”  I mean, seriously. The words Disney and It Couple should not be used together. Ever. Not for ten year olds, not for tweens, not for teens.  It’s Disney for crying out loud!  When I hear Disney, I want to think tea cup rides and stuffed animals, not which semi-talented underage celeb is dating that kinda talented underage celeb. Not that this is new:

But look how well that turned out for everyone:

That’s right y’all. Matching denim formal wear. I don’t care if he did bring sexy back (although, thanks for that Justin. I do care a bit that you did bring it back. That was thoughtful of you), this Disney sponsored couple brought us some hideous fashion, K-Fed, mental breakdowns and some serious heartache.

So, let’s wrap things up. I’m not saying the kids can’t date. They can date whoever they damn well please. I’m just calling for a moritorium on pimping out your kid and their potential boy/girl friends. I’m asking this of both stage parents and the celeb gossip industry. I don’t want to know that Demi (who? who cares) Lovato broke up with Boy Cyrus or that Taylor Lautner may have cheated on Selena (seriously? who?) Gomez or that Dakota Fanning (who is infinitely less creepy now that she has hit her teens) is dating Charlie of the Chocolate Factory (although, minor props though to parents Fanning – despite having her work since birth, she’s 15 and I have yet to see pics of her with a boyfriend or on the red carpet in a bathing suit and wedges. or, better yet, not one photo of her coquettishly blowing kisses at the camera a la Girl Jonas)  Seriously. Are there not enough adult celebrities dating? I’ll even take news about Kevin Jonas’ engagement over the rest of the teeny-bopper set. At least he’s old enough to drive, vote and drink, which makes it less skeezy when you report on his love life. The only trouble with that is I really can’t be bothered to care about any of the Jonas’, let alone who they are dating or marrying.  C’est true. (and that, Ally, is not a challenge to go find a Jonas Bros. video for this post!!).

Aaaaaand…/rant.

To cheer me up, here’s a little something for you ladies of a certain age, as I was “researching” for this post, I came across this add on the site for J-14 (I believe it is today’s Tiger Beat or Bop):

Barbizon Modeling and Acting Academy! Does anyone else remember these ads from the back of magazines? I love that they haven’t changed the font for their logo. If it worked in 1989, why wouldn’t it work now? I was going to ask if Barbizon actually paid off for anyone, but WTF! Ryan Phillippe is one of their “success stories” (oh, and there area a handful of ANTM girls in there too). So I guess at least one Barbizon grad got to be a bona fide Movie Star (no one said anything about being good, but he’s at least B-list).