L-A: Usually my thought space for Selena Gomez is somewhere in between “she’s relevant?” and “slightly less than not at all”. I don’t have anything against the pint size pop star, she seems lovely or something.
She’s just not really worth thinking about.
But then I read this article in The Toronto Star two weeks ago and it was aces. It also lead me to watch two Selena Gomez videos. Now I’ve seen two Selena Gomez videos and I think I can safely say that, as a Selena Gomez expert, her stylist is very clearly drunk.
Not her red carpet stylist. I have no idea what she wears on a red carpet. I’m talking about the bitch who styles her videos.
Time to lay off the sauce, kitten. Because while I know we want Selena to look grown-up and non-Disney, something’s just not connecting. Mostly because she just looks like a kid playing dress up in expensive clothes half the time. Unless that’s the look you’re going for? If so, then you win. But as an expert, I feel like I should offer more evidence in support of my findings.
Exhibit A. I Love You Like A Love Song
Click here to view the embedded video.
Song tolerance: bearable and catchy. Not a solid jam, but you can definitely deal with it on a dance floor or in a car on the way to the beach with the windows down.
Video premise: Selena is at an Asian karaoke singing her own song (meta!). She wears what may or may not be costumes in the video that’s in the video (so very meta!).
Odes to Decades Past: 1979 – 1985, with a little 90s/early 00s.
Who did it first (and better): Rufus Wainwright. But really, not in the same league, so we’ll let it slide.
This one has a lot of outfits and I think we need to break them down separately. Spoiler alert: it’s a lot of who did it first (and better). But let’s face it, it’s easier to imitate other videos when you’re drunk and watching old videos on YouTube.
Costume A: Last Days of Disco Flashbacks
I don’t hate it. I’ll let this toast to Donna Summers pass, even if her hair probably causes her to double in size.
Who did it better (and first)? Well, Donna Summers of course. But I’m also going to give it to Chloe Sevigny.
Costume B: Burning Man Barbie with Dirty Hippy Ken
Why is there a dirty hippie playing a sitar here in outer space? And why is Burning Man Barbie (a stylized version of what one might see at a desert festival) making eyes at said dirty hippie? Explain yourself, Drunk Stylist (and Drunk Director)!
Costume C: 1980s New Wave
I don’t really understand the shirtless collar with the beehive, but the cat’s eye glasses almost make her look like a grown up. Except for the shirtless collar and the greaser. Now we’re just headed back to “1960s Funtime with Selena, brought to you by Disney”.
Who did this first (and better?): The Cars (although, I swear there’s one better than this out there, but I’ll be damned if I can find it).
Costume D: Rococo-ish meets Pop Music
Dressing like Marie Antoinette, but looking like its 1980s? I’d almost be impressed if I hadn’t seen it done before.
Who did this first (and better?) Madonna and Kirsten Dunst.
I’m sure someone else did this in an 1980s music video, but I’ll be damned if I can find it.
Costume E: Max Hedroom
Let’s never do that again, Drunk Stylist.
Who did it better (and first)? Max Hedroom.
Exhibit B. Come & Get It
Click here to view the embedded video.
Song tolerance: frankly, I can’t even…what?
Video premise: Possibly some East Indian dreamland? I don’t know. Maybe it’s a battle of the natural elements. Earth versus fire versus water. Or am I giving too much credit to Selena Gomez writhing in flowers and on rocks, dancing in dark, sweaty places, and going for a swim. (Shout out to my first year English class in university. I learned something in that class). Either way, this is clearly the “Selena is a Grown Up Musician with Grown Up Needs” video. Because we can all agree the visit to the tickle trunk that was ‘Love You Like a Love Song’ didn’t quite seem grown up.
Cultural Appropriation Good Times: Thank you, India.
Who did it first (and better): BritBrit. Clearly.
It’s a lot of the same, but let’s break it down for you.
Costume A. Air
Flowers, wheeeeeee!
Nothing, and I mean nothing, says “I’m a grown up y’all with adult neeeeds” like an edgy cut-out gown and rolling about in a field of flowers.
Costume B. Fire
Haven’t we seen this one before?
Yeah. That’s right. We did. And I believe it was in the “Britney is a Grown Up with Grown Up Needs” video.
Costume C. Earth
Writhing on rocks in a sheer gown? Super sexy and grown up.
Actually, it just looks uncomfortable and like she’s going to get tangled in that gown. You couldn’t hem it for her?
I think Ally can agree with me that a Disney princess turned totally not Disney is Miley.
Click here to view the embedded video.
I’m not saying Selena needs tattoos and twerking to be an adult, but maybe something in between that and what we’re seeing in her latest videos would help. She’s still Disney to me, Drunk Stylist. Sorry, try again.