Ever since I started this blog, people have asked me if I’m going to cover Big Brother, why don’t I cover Big Brother, and don’t I know how much I would love Big Brother? And I’ve tried, people. I’ve really tried. But it’s on too often and the competitions are stupid weird not my thing, and I just couldn’t get into it. And if you read my America’s Got Talent reviews last summer, you know how cranky I get what I end up hating a show I commit to reviewing. So, good news – I’ve outsourced it! Allison, who you may know from her great Saturday Night Live guest posts this year, will be watching and reviewing Big Brother all summer long. So have fun, y’all!
Hello Couchtime Readers,
So I guess you and I will be sharing the summer together through these posts. So get your BB slop and your Julie Chen helmet hair wig on because it’s Big Brother time!
Every season of Big Brother has a twist and this season there are returning houseguests. Specifically, memorable duos are coming back. What is with CBS bringing past contestants on all their reality shows? Amazing Race just had All-Stars, Survivor had Redemption Island with Rob and Russell and from what I read, next season’s Survivor will have more returning contestants. Does CBS not trust its audience to delve into a show with a brand new cast? So the standing is 8 new guests and 6 returning guests.
But America (lucky you, America) got to pick who goes in.
The options were:
Brendon and Rachel
Dear God and all that is Holy please no. Her Muppet voice haunted my dreams last summer.
Dr. Will and Mike Boogie
Meh, these guys were funny back in the All-Stars season but I have had enough of the suspiciously pale LA doctor and Mike Boogie’s “NSYNC called, they want their frosted tips back” hair. ZING!
Jessie and Natalie
Jessie was funny, and I never grow tired of questioning, “My God that’s a small head on a large body.” Natalie on the other hand was so annoying. She made up dumb lies about being 18 and just hid behind Jessie the whole time.
Evil Dick and Danielle
Now this team I wouldn’t really say is a team. The estranged father and daughter reunited on the show and may have gone to the finals but they really didn’t get along. I would be interested to see them and see how quickly the separate. I wasn’t a huge fan of either of them but I did love the funny things that Dick would say to Jen. Remember Jen and her red unitard and monotone voice?
Jeff and Jordan
These two will totally get voted in by America! They are the sweetest couple who have not only endured the Big Brother house but a season on the Amazing Race. Jordan you may recall is very dumb, sweet but dumb. A classic moment of Jordan’s stupidity was explaining how she never understands when people use the phrase, “It’s a quarter to” or “Ten past” when explaining time. I like that Jeff is patient with Jordan but is not afraid to tell her to pull it together when needed. They are also both strong and could be big contenders.
Hayden and Enzo
Man, Hayden just won last year and they are giving him another shot on the show? Well that’s not fair. But I do love me some Enzo. Sweet, sweet, Enzo was the mastermind to Season 12’s four man team The Brigade. He was so close to winning but missed out. Poor guy.
Let’s start the show. Hi Julie, you look great.
New Housemates on the Block
The eight new contestants get the “Hey, I got a key” montage. One housemate lives with his mom; one girl has an irritating accent; and one woman likes to hunt. Uh-oh, one contestant describes how religious he is. Those contestants always end up being so scrutinized on the show and always lie the most. Now, question is…will the two hot girls be friends or foes?
Julie welcomes the new guests to the house and they run around screaming to find a bed. This year’s house décor theme is Venice beach.
As the houseguests get settled everyone tells a little about themselves – oh wait I mean, everyone tells lies about themselves. Now, some lies I thought worked: Keith for example said he was a matchmaker because he thought it would cause others to open up to him. I could see that happening. Porshe on the other hand said she was a student instead of a cocktail waitress. Mind you she just said “I am a student.” She didn’t mention the school she attends or what she studies, just that she is a student. Let’s see how long she can keep that up. Does anyone else not think Dominic is much younger than 25?
Grab a partner and dosey do
Julie informs the housemates that they have to pick partners and work together throughout the show. So the houseguests partner up. I was waiting for competition or at least pulling names out of a hat to decide who gets to choose first. No, it was as awkward as your first day at theatre camp. Wait, not everyone goes to theatre camp? Never mind. The partners are as follows:
Adam and Dominic
Cassi and Shelly
Kalia and Lawon
Keith and Porsche
As time goes by I will give the partners clever nicknames. So far I will call Cassi and Shelly Team South. You know, because they are Southern and all.
The new housemates also hear from Julie that three pairs of previous housemates will be returning. So the eight new housemates make an alliance to stick together. Yeah, right.
Return of the Red Headed Creature with the Baffon – Old Housemates Return
Slowly the returning couples enter the house. First,
Oh God, oh no. Brachel returns and they are engaged. That ring better not give them any more power. Oh God. That voice, that voice! Does Rachel have to laugh at the end of everything she says?
Couple #2: Yeah, Jeff and Jordan return. They are so cute laughing at each other. I mean laughing at Jordan’s poor math skills.
Couple #3: Evil Dick and Danielle are our final housemates. Wow, she looks so different with that dark hair. Hey, I was right, these two still don’t talk to each other. Even after helping each other win money, they still don’t like each other. Again, this will be very interesting.
Hold On to Your Bananas – The HOH competition
For the first HOH competition the partners have to hold onto a large banana that sways in the air. Who ever can stay on the longest will win. The competition became a cornucopia of banana puns. The worst was Rachel’s, “Nothing comes between me and my banana.” Eww, just gross, Rachel. During the competition some teams give up pretty quickly – I’m looking at you Team South. And then surprisingly Rachel, Evil Dick and Danielle are left. Rachel makes a deal with Evil Dick and Danielle and becomes the new HOH. Barf!
One last twist
Well this season is full of surprises as Julie announces that whoever is nominated and survives the eviction will receive the Big Brother Golden Key. This means this person can not be voted out for the next four rounds of the show. In other words they have an automatic pass to be in the top ten. Very interesting, Big Brother production team. Brachel has to choose their nominees very wisely because one of those people will be receiving a lot of power.
Wow, a lot happened in just one hour but I am ready for the rest of the summer. Sorry I wasn’t able to dive into all the new houseguests, but I will in the mean time.