Bachelor Pad: Dynamic Duos

Well, it’s not like they didn’t know it was coming – starting last night on Bachelor Pad everyone officially started playing as a couple. This was more surprising last season, when we didn’t quite know it was going to go down, and when there were more women than men. Last season it was more disgusting – basically, skanks were rewarded and plain Janes who hadn’t hooked up were eliminated – but hey, no one watches this show without knowing what they were getting into.

The pairs were inevitable. Kasey and Vienna, obvs. Michelle tied herself to Graham a while ago, and Kirk and Ella have made a strong connection over their mutual need for the money. Despite their relationship drama Holly had committed to playing the game with Mike, so that left two people. Blake and Erica. And oh, what a couple they made.

Harrison told the couples they’d better start getting to know one another, and we all knew what that meant – an embarrassing personal trivia game where Kasey and Vienna would be revealed as knowing nothing about one another! Yes, Kasey and Vienna felt so confident about their relationship of six months that they went to bed without even refreshing a few details like “What’s your favorite color?” or “How many dates do you say it takes before you’ll have sex because we’ve all seen The Bachelor and sure as hell know the answer isn’t actually 22?” I mean, really Kasey and Vienna? You’ve been together for six months and you already think you know everything there is to know about each other? Sure, y’all don’t seem like the deepest people I’ve ever met. But people can be married for like, twenty years and never know that someone actually has a whole other family in Idaho that they only visit one weekend a month. I think maybe after six months there’d still be some knowledge gaps.

The Nearlywed Game

Ha! What a clever name for a game. Especially for one couple in particular! Good thing Stag knows how to cover his intense emotional pain with a wink and a smile.

However, Holly and Stag’s two year history didn’t do them any favors. And neither did Vienna and Kasey’s storied six month romance. In fact, as predicted they completely bombed. “What quality do you think your exes miss the most?” Harrison asked. “Teeth!” Kasey answered. Yes, Kasey thought all of Vienna’s exes missed her teeth the most. I don’t even want to know why he came up with that answer.

Surprisingly, the two couples who were doing the best were newbies Blake and Erica, and Michelle and Graham. But when Graham answered that he’d lost his virginity at the age of seven, their brilliant plan was revealed. They’d simply agreed on some standard answers for all the questions so they were guaranteed to get them right. A number? Always seven. A woman? Say Holly. Non-gender specific? Just name Mike! This was the first time in Bachelor Pad history that I’d ever seen someone actually appear smart – come on you guys, that plan was brilliant!

And, it worked – despite one flub from Michelle, she and Graham won the challenge. Hello, romantic date and safety roses! But the second-place couple (Blake and Erica) also won a romantic date.

Date Night’s Alright For Fighting

Michelle and Graham’s date went off without a hitch. They were whisked away in a helicopter (natch) and watched the new rom-com What’s Your Number while snuggling…in a pool? OK, that part was sort of weird. I mean, prune fingers aren’t romantic, right? Anyway, Michelle is getting a far less terrifying edit on Bachelor Pad than she did on The Bachelor and Graham seems inoffensive enough, so they’ve become my second-favorite couple by default. (I like Kirk and Ella the best, because she’s got a Dexter back story and he beat mold.)

While Michelle and Graham were making out in front of Anna Faris, Kasey and Vienna were fighting in front of everyone else. It was super weird, guys. First, Vienna stormed into the kitchen saying that Kasey ripped a ring off her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. Then, Kasey accused Vienna of saying she’d have sex and then backing out. And he fights dirty! Vienna said she’d told him she didn’t want to have sex. “You never said no, you said yes!” Kasey argued. “Just like you told Wes, just like you told David Goode.” Ooh, Kasey fights dirty! List a few more names, Kasey, we all know you’ve got ’em!

Kasey and Vienna argued over sex a while longer, made me uncomfortable, and then Kasey issued an ultimatum – come downstairs and “cuddle” with him, or he’d leave the house altogether. Ick. Seriously, you guys, I can’t stand these people. Vienna eventually followed Kasey downstairs and, from what it seemed, muttered something about just getting it over with. Klassy.

Next up for a romantic date, Blake and Erica! While Blake was busy drooling over Holly who “just happened” to walk by him in her itsy-bitsy bikini, Erica was busy packing all her sexy lingerie for the date and telling anyone and everyone that she was going to seduce the Dirty Dentist.

On the one hand, Erica’s plan made strategic sense. If she could get Blake interested in her, he’d stop flirting with Holly, Stag wouldn’t be angry anymore, and the targets would be taken off their collective backs. But the whole thing was just so trashy, so humiliating and so uncomfortable that any actual strategy completely evaporated. This was just a sad, desperate, insecure girl begging a guy to have sex with her. Erica couldn’t have been more obvious about wanting to have sex with Blake. As if the constant touching of his thigh wasn’t enough, she actually spent the entire date trying to convince him to spend the night with her. And then she got mad/offended/embarrassed when he turned her down.

Promises, Promises

The one bright side of their not-so-romantic date? Blake and Erica were presented with two “safety roses” that they could award to another couple in the house. Erica decided that they should tell everyone about this new power and see which couple offered them the best deal. The problem? That meant basically breaking a promise to all the couples but one. By giving the roses to Kasey and Vienna, they pissed off everyone else. The other problem was that Kasey didn’t have as much power as he’d thought – he was sure Graham and Michelle would vote how he instructed, but they used this funny thing called free will and decided to vote for Blake and Erica. Whoopsies!

So Kasey/Vienna and Blake/Erica voted for Kirk and Ella, while Michelle/Graham and Kirk/Ella voted for Blake and Erica. That meant the deciding vote would come down to Mike and Holly. Awkward! Obviously, Mike wanted Blake out. Obviously, Holly did not. And after making his argument, Mike told Holly the decision was hers.

Oh, Holly. If it weren’t for Blake, Kasey and Vienna, you’d be the most annoying person in the house. I really can’t stand you. I can’t stand the way you lead that poor Mike guy on, making him think there’s a chance you could go back to him. I can’t stand the way you rehash your relationship with him while glossing over the fact that you called off your own wedding. I can’t stand the way you flirt with and kiss another guy right in front of him. And I can’t stand how you would whine and sob to Ella about how hard it is to be the deciding vote. She’s the one you want to vote out! You want to axe her to keep your stupid, slutty boyfriend! And you cried and moaned like you weren’t even aware of who you were talking to! Oh Holly, I really can’t stand you.

In the end, Holly made the less offensive decision and cast the deciding vote to give Blake and Erica the boot. But not before slipping him a mushy, overly optimistic note! Puh-lease. Like your romance would last more than two weeks outside Casa Chlamydia. If Ames and Jackie couldn’t make it work, y’all certainly won’t.

Anyway, I was relieved since I’ve been rooting for Kirk and Ella for a while now and didn’t want to see them cut loose. Had they been eliminated, I would have had to root for Michelle Money, and no one wants that. Next week is the finale! Who are you rooting for? Are you looking forward to whatever drama will unfold at the after show? And can you believe you watched this crap all summer?




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Entourage: Happy endings, sort of