She can dish it out, but she sure as hell can’t take it.
We were all watching The Bachelor: The Women Tell All to see what Michelle had to say, right? Well, before you could even say “How could you go rappelling without me?” America’s favorite 30-year-old villain was in tears, sobbing about how she’s “easily misunderstood” and had really “come for the right reasons”. Puh-LEASE. Cry my a river, Missy. Yeah, the girls were harsh on Michelle – Stacey the Boston Bah-tender inexplicably so – but after all that crap she talked? She had it coming and she had no right to be surprised.
In a pathetic attempt to win public favor (she’d never be the Bachelorette, so I’m guessing she’s trying to win over a few fans before appearing on Bachelor Pad 2) Michelle stressed how difficult it had been for her to leave her daughter. Daughter? What daughter? Honestly, Michelle barely mentioned the kid while she was on the show. She made it pretty damn far, and we never saw her have the same kind of conversations with Brad that Emily, or any other past Bachelor mom, had. I heard a lot more about Michelle’s thirtieth birthday and black eye than I heard about some kid.
|Chris Harrison Shuts. It. Down.|
The Michelle bashing was obviously the highlight of the evening. Stacey and Jackie took the lead – seriously, how long did it take Jackie to come up with that spider comparison? Soooooo clever! – but a few unmemorable girls like Lisa and Alli playing defense alongside Chris Harrison. My favorite? Whichever girl declared “This is stupid” as Michelle sat sobbing. Way to have self-awareness, whoever you are! But other than Michelle’s unbelievable (literally, I did not believe it) performance as the ultra-vulnerable, misunderstood single mom with a defense mechanism, there wasn’t much to see.
I mean, really – did you still care about the Raichel and Melissa fight? Breaking news! You’re both losers. Deal. And how come we never even got to talk to Shawntel? No one wanted to ask her if she regretted being a total creep?
Meanwhile, the Ashleys brought the emotional anguish for the evening. Ashley S. moaned about how Brad had said she wouldn’t make an extraordinary wife (For HIM! He said she’d make an extraordinary wife for SOMEONE, just not for HIM!) and begged for closure. Ashley H. pandered to the crowd in order to win favor as the new bachelorette (gag) and whinged about how she’d wasted all her precious time with Brad by second-guessing herself. She’s filled with regret, and it’s not just over her new makeover. Ashley didn’t say she’d been in love with Brad, because she didn’t need to – Chris Harrison literally put the words in her mouth, saying “I hate to break it to you, but you were in love.” What, did you read her diary, Harrison? Did she do some kind of lie detector test? Who the hell are you? The best part was when some random woman in the audience sobbed along with Ashley and I screamed – screamed! – at the TV “Why are YOU crying? Are you her mom?” Seriously though, where do they find these audience members?
As for the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad, if that party was any indication it will be just as slut-a-licious as last season. Rozzzzlyn owned up to the fact that she slept with a staffer. Vienna and Gia touched on the Wes-gate cat fight that caused me to unfollow them both on Twitter. (Really, why was I following them to begin with?) And Kasey will attempt to guard and protect more hearts. Awesomesauce. Oh, and Alli and Roberto stopped by in an attempt to make us think that a) They hang out with these skanks (male and female) and b) any of these skanks actually want a committed relationship, like Alli and Roberto’s. Luckily, the show’s producers countered the promo for STD-Fest 2.0 with a feel-good reel of Chris and Brad’s visit to a kindergarten in South Africa. It even melted this cynical TV critics heart…not towards The Bachelor, I just love adorable kids. And South Africa. So, you know. Perfect storm.
Frankly, other than Michelle the show was a bit of a drag. Most of the girls looked like crap – seriously, who advised Michelle on that outfit? And Ashley H.? The hair looked greasy, her makeup was too heavy (Red lips AND sparkly eye shadow? Too to the Much.) and she looked like she spent the last month taking daily trips to the tanning salon with the cast of Jersey Shore. Yikes. It called for a chorus of “You People Are Gross To Me” from the latest SNL.
Finally Brad was trotted out to make a few apologies, defend Michelle and (once again!) reassure the Ashleys. And he promised us all that he’s very much in love, which rather took all the suspense out of the teaser for next week’s episode, where we hear him threaten to walk out and choose no one again. The highlight of his appearance was the gag reel, in which we got to see more of Brad Womack’s personality than we saw all damn season. For realsies – did you know this guy had a sense of humor? I thought he was all muscles and Southern drawl and, like, feelings.
We caught a glimpse of next week’s finale, and while I don’t know for sure (and I don’t want to – no spoilers!) who will win Brad’s heart, I know who will win the fashion-off. Emily’s white dress kicked Chantal’s feathered dress’s butt. What did you think of The Women Tell All? Were they too hard on Michelle, or did she get her just desserts? Are you a little peeved that most of Brad’s personality ended up on the cutting room floor? And are you ready for another season of Bachelor Pad?